"I'm pushing those closest away from me without meaning to. I'm snappy and irritable, I'm weak and I'm tired."
Recently I have been struggling with so much all at once and to tell you truth it's all becoming too much.
If you read my blog "Fuck Cancer" then you''ll know that overall my mums cancer has now taken a turn for the worst, meaning we have been told that she now will only have months to live. (no specific timescale given) Obviously my mums cancer has and will always be a big part of my life. We were told this news on the 7th February 2017 and well today is the 2nd March.
I also did a blog called "Suffer in silence" quite some time ago about my migraines and well basically in the past 6 months, these migraines have simply worsened. I now have pains in my head every single day, although some days are worse than others, overall I am spending a lot of my time couped up in bed, in pain. To tell you the truth it's extremely exhausting.
Now though, I have been keeping quiet about the pains in my head because I know the pain I feel is probably nothing compared to mums. I now try my hardest to complain about my head less, but I am also finding overall I am doing less because well to leave the house or meet up with friends means trying to ignore this constant pain, which is becoming harder and harder. It brings me to tears on most days and I don't want to be that friend that just moans.
I've also not been myself recently, I've hated the way I feel and I know that I should be positive and remember that this will pass... but I feel I need to be honest and tell you how I feel, I feel I need to sit here and write about it, because well when do you hear or see people truly opening up and telling you that they are struggling? Hardly ever. We hear all too often about all of the good parts and the bad seem to be covered up, is it socially acceptable for me to sit here and do this? I don't know, but I'm going to.
I want to share this with you because, well my blog has always been honest, raw and truthful - I hope that's what you expect to come and find. I figured I can't sit here, hiding myself and continue to write blogs about other stuff that I'm not currently feeling. My photo's are usually of me trying to look my best and well it's safe to say I have been far from "my best" most days.
At the moment my skin on my face is transparent. My skin is full of breakouts due to stress and lack of sleep, I can't be bothered to brush my hair, I have dark circles under my eyes and most days I can't even be bothered to get dressed or eat. The fear I feel on a daily basis is like nothing I've ever experienced before, I constantly have this horrific dreaded feeling from within and panic. Panic that something awful is only around the corner. My own mind is beating me up, making me feel worthless and useless.
If I tried to explain what living with depression is like I guess I'd say, it's like watching some else's movie about there life and you're waiting for something good to happen. Always waiting, always wanting that happiness you don't have. The happiness that always seems to come easily to everyone but you. It's struggling to sleep at night, no matter how exhausted you feel that clock always manages to reach 4am. It's then spending the rest of the next day exhausted and when you do eventually awake from that nights sleep, you feel mad because you'd do anything to stay in that dream like state.
It's when you're doing the opposite to how you feel, when you finally manage to leave your bed and face the day. When you feel like crying, you smile, when you feel like screaming, you laugh at the joke just told. It's like watching yourself slowly disappear under a black cloud, it's like trying your hardest to pretend you're okay to the people around you, just so you don't have to try and explain. It's like feeling pain without reason, it's like slowly loosing yourself and well I've been here before and I hate it more now, that's for sure.
Then there's the anxiety and well these two together are too much. Anxiety is the thought's I over think while I toss and turn in bed, it's the worry of saying or doing the wrong thing, it's the immediate response to texts in fear of someone thinking you're ignoring them. It's every negative thought in your head that someone doesn't like you, anxiety is the never ending self doubt and lack of confidence. Anxiety is a constant state of worrying and apprehensive fear. It's sweaty palms, it's the constant regret that you shouldn't have done that or sent that last text. And well it's that terrifying feeling deep inside that I seem to have and I can't tell you why. It's when I walk down the street and feel like everyone's staring or judging me when they're not. It's taking another shot or drinking another alcoholic drink to relax, but you always seem to be hungover the next day, worrying about everything you may or may have not done or said.
I'm suffering with both of these at the moment and it feels never ending. I'm avoiding people like the plague, I'm pushing those closest away from me without meaning to. I'm snappy and irritable, I'm weak and I'm tired. I'm waiting for this to end, but it's been months. I know that things are likely to become harder and I'm terrified, because I know that however much I'm struggling now, it's only going to get worse, I'm petrified and nervous.
I've found the hardest part is wondering if you'll understand, it's wondering if you know it's not personal and if you know I can't seem to help it. It's wondering whether to get help, again when it's failed so many times before. It's wondering just when I'll get a break from my own mind, I wonder if life is going to get better - it's something I'm told, but something I feel isn't happening. I am told the storm will pass, but I only see it getting worse. I sit here everyday wondering when this cruel world is going to claim my mum, if she wishes for the pain to end, the way I do. It's wondering if she feels helpless, like me when I'm riddled with my own pain.
Wondering and worrying have become my new best thing, I'm good at this. I'm not good at small talk or knowing what to say, when someone who doesn't understand how I truly feel deep from within tells me to "SNAP OUT OF IT" or "IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND" because how do you suppose I reply? I ask myself every single day "why can't I be normal, like everyone else" I often feel ashamed and embarrassed for feeling this way. I've realised that we never truly know what someone else is going through or feeling and the reality is mental health is something so many suffer from, yet we keep it to ourselves. We don't share our struggles in life, we keep them embedded within and it's so unhealthy.
I know how unhealthy it can be, because I was depressed in my teen age so very depressed and low that I feel so ashamed I didn't dare to tell a soul. I lived with it for as long as I possibly could, until it broke me. It broke me hard and it got me good, I had counselling and was put on anti-depressants, which made me go from feeling everything to nothing. I felt no emotions whatsoever and I hated it, it made me feel so alone that I nearly did something terrible.
For this reason alone and for the way it effected me so badly the first time, I this time knew exactly what was wrong. I tried to pretend it was untrue but something clicked inside me. I have a doctors appointment booked tomorrow, in hope for asking for help. Although I've been here before it still terrifies me. I've never been told I suffer with anxiety, because I've never asked my doctor. Instead I've been so embarrassed that I look it up myself. I know now than ever just how crucial it is for me to ask for help, I know that speaking out is the best thing to do (no matter how much I dread pushing that publish button) I know that although I feel alone, I am not, there are many other people out there in this world who are suffering with mental health but terrified to ask for help.
I promise you, if you feel the way I do. Asking your doctor for help will be the best thing you ever do. Don't overthink the process of telling your doctor, you don't need to plan it. You'll get in that room, sit on the chair and it'll flood out of you, you may cry, you may not but that is the first step you need to take in order of helping yourself. I promise it'll get better and although here again for the 2nd time in years, asking for help again is also terrifying to me but it's the only way. I know soon (hopefully) I'll look back to this period of my life and I'll be so thankful to have gotten past it, because right now overcoming this feels impossible, but I'm prepared to try.
This has been extremely hard for me to publish, I have been wanting to do this for months, however today I said simply to myself "fuck it, it's going to be fine and you may help someone else" and that has pretty much been my motto throughout my blogs. So I hope, if you are stuggling this helps you realise you're not alone and I also hope if you're not suffering you can maybe try to understand another persons struggles. I want mental health to become something that is accepted, because the numbers are increasing and we need to show that we can overcome it.
* I recently joined a campaign regarding mental health, although it is not yet fully available you can search the hashtag #YoudNeverBelieve on Twitter. This campaign is show that you never know what someone is feeling or going through, it's one to help teens of today to realise it's okay and there is help available. This campaign made me realise that I was a teen going through this horrible scary thing alone, it made me realise that although I'm back here again and feeling worse, I got through it once and I believe I will get through it again. You can't do it alone, seek help and advice and someone will guide you through. *
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts