"It's hit me harder than I ever even imagined was possible, it's effected me in ways I can barely explain. I didn't know pain and heartache like this existed; a year and 2 months have flown on by. Looking back at the year of 2018 brings me the saddest moments in my life"
I haven't put pen to paper in over 6 months, not a single word has been written in my notepad nor have I opened up my laptop. To tell you the truth I've missed the sound of my pen scratching the paper, the tapping of my keyboard, these sounds used to fulfil my heart, bring me a sense of joy and made me feel happy.
I haven't even searched my blog on Google just to have a look, admire my space let alone log in and look at my analytics. This used to be my ritual I'd forever be checking everything's okay, the site still works and is attracting people. I loved the feeling of creativity, making something entirely my own letting my thoughts run wild without a care in the world, no plan of action. I would sit with a coffee beside me let my words spill out onto the page, never a topic in mind; I'd just wake and bake you know. I'd see what I come up with never would I read back until the words have left my brain and are in front of me, only then would I re-read to decide if this is something good or just garbage that will stay unseen..
I have many posts on my blog, some have reached the outside world for you guys to read and get lost in but I also have many that stay in my drafts unseen to the public eye. I have a whole notebook full of writing, half a full one and over the years I've always written as an escape, a way to connect. My blog was born in 2016 when I finally decided to be brave, believe in myself and I simply went for it, tried to make something of the thing I'd been doing for years and loved. I was passionate, I wanted to share my truth I never cared about people's thoughts and I certainly wasn't bothered about feeling judged. I felt free, alive and on top of the world, I believed some things I shared were interesting to others, helpful and relatable.
Soon the things I shared became more personal to me, I started to write about my feelings Mum's cancer story, my boyfriend and it felt amazing to truly start putting "my truth" out into the world, people started to read my posts and they seemed to love them. IT FELT AMAZING!
The personal approach became everything, I loved sharing things that many other people would probably choose to keep in their drafts; I was driven by the hope of helping someone else. This was for me, it became my coping mechanism throughout my hardship it kept me grounded while Mum battled cancer, it helped me every single day. Eventually the baby I had birthed started to grow the more I watered it - just as everything grows the more you invest into it. Your job, your savings, your mind, your goals and aspirations they all start to truly take off once you give it the time it deserves.
Still to this day where-it-all-began is my most viewed blog post, it was the one that seemed to change my blogging experience, the second I hit publish the post went crazy, it was read and shared by people I'd never even imagine would read nor enjoy it. That post was the only one I'd ever written and felt petrified about pressing that publish button, it was totally different to anything before, it was a diary form dating back to 2007 right up to that moment in 2016.
A year and 5 months after I published "Where it all began" my world came crashing down, the 8th November 2017 Mum's life was taken; gone forever and my god it hit me like a ton of bricks! It's hit me harder than I ever even imagined was possible, it's effected me in ways I can barely explain. I didn't know pain and heartache like this existed; a year and 2 months have flown on by. Looking back at the year of 2018 brings me the saddest moments in my life, I can barely remember the year unless I stop and think hard - it's all become one big blur. I began to feel like a flower being cut into tiny sections of sadness, stopped in its tracks unable to grow any further, unable to escape the pain.
One thing it did bring was my job, my work ethic and it taught me that life can and will go on. I realised through the heartbreak the people I have in my life are the ones I want to hold close forever. However the pain clouded my vision for writing, it clouded everything I deeply loved and it clouded my happiness.
In 2018 I started to push away everything that used to make my heart warm, because I believed I didn't deserve happiness after Mum's death. I began to punish myself by not letting me be happy or if I realised was feeling a glimmer of happiness I'd get angry at myself and explode with guilt. I realised this recently; in fact writing made me see it, the words spilled out onto the page like lava in front of my eyes. I stopped in the moment and sobbed my heart out, writing made me realise just how unhappy I was starting to become.
I realise now that had I carried on writing I'd probably have been more in tune with myself and been able to put a stop to it sooner; it sounds so cliche, but its true. I wouldn't have gotten to the point of feeling so low every time I wake, I wouldn't have pushed the people around me away. The only thing Mum would ever want for me is happiness, she'd hate to know that I'd been punishing myself and stopped doing the things I loved.
With a New Year brings new beginnings, a fresh start. My only wish for 2019 is to allow myself to feel happy without guilt controlling my life. I no longer want to punish myself into believing I am alone or unloved, I no longer want to envy people who are living their best lives; instead I want to join them in unison. Instead I'm choosing to say no to my head and follow my heart, my hopes, my dreams and be the best version of myself I possibly can. Sure to hell I know it's going to be hard, I know many lessons need to be learnt, but I'm ready and roaring to go., I'm here to make Mum proud and finally believe I am good enough for this world.
There is always more to life worth living for if you make something of your life.
I hope you've enjoyed this post, found it useful and took something away from this. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts, it shows your support in doing so. Please note: these posts are personal to me, but I publish these posts in order to share my truth, to prove that life isn't perfect and we all live the good, the bad and the in between. You're never alone!
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts