Just me sharing me

"I know the day's going to come, I don't know when but I'm hoping it never does, all at the same time. It probably makes no sense to you reading this, as it doesn't even make sense to me! Again it's something I can't explain."

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Today I'm writing with the purpose of sharing some real fucking shit with you. This is by no means a cry for help, me asking for sympathy or anything else you may chose to label this as, but to be totally honest it's real shit that I wanna share. This isn't going to be filtered, edited to look better or any of that bullcrap, I'm letting it flow the way it did onto my page in my notebook at 3am. (yes that's right, I couldn't sleep so I decided to do what I do best - write)

So if you're not here to hear some real shit then this isn't the post for you. (I'm also sorry if you don't like people that use swear words, but it's the only word that springs to mind)

I've had a tough few weeks or months or to be totally honest I have no time scale, but either way a tough time recently. Mum came over pretty unwell, she ended up in hospital for a week where she had a damn tough time. Long story short her kidney's packed in due to cancer growth pushing on the tubes that make you urinate. She already had one stent that had been put in a few months back and one normal kidney the other side. However both had packed in meaning she was suddenly unable to urinate at all, in the end she had to have the old stent replaced and a new on put in the other side.

All up towards this date, I had started to notice certain things showed mum was deteriorating - god I hate that word, but little things where becoming harder for her. I guess with me here at home in the day I notice a lot. We found out while she was in hospital that her cancer overall has once again worsened and increased, but I guess I can notice that without the doctors even telling me. She's been seeing the Palliative Care people more recently, even though I'm not entirely sure of what this is, I do know it doesn't sound good.

Since being out of hospital, a fair few things have changed, her energy levels are much lower than normal (meaning I've hardly seen her leave the house or be anywhere near as active as she normally is) she barely eats, when she does she leaves most of her food, her positive energy is not as noticeable and she just genuinely seems low. She no longer looks after the girls (my nieces) on a Wednesday and Friday as she just can't handle them, meaning I have no stepped in to look after them so she doesn't have to worry.

I've recently decided to register as her full-time career, even though I'd put this off due to it feeling wrong, but I'm the one who is with her every day at the minute due to not working, meaning for the time being I'm the best option until Dad can take over. She's still very independent but I help with the little things, like paying her bills, the food shop, hanging the washing and daily house stuff - she never before really let anyone do this for her before. (stubborn)

I spend pretty much every day with her, as I know she'd get seriously bored at home alone, twiddling her thumbs confined by 4 walls. Although it can be tough on me, seeing so much with little escape other than when I go to Cal's, I personally don't see it any other way. I know if i was to get a job at this moment in time, I wouldn't be able to give it my all, prioritise it, let alone concentrate knowing she's at home alone.

I know some may disagree and tell me it would be good for me, I personally know it simply wouldn't work for me. I feel like I am a person who maybe doesn't let things out "enough" I let things consume me until I burst or even hold things in, but I do this to protect myself and those around me. I want to be strong and not seen as someone that is struggling, I feel if I let certain things out then it'll consume me even more, make me worse and be on my mind non-stop, which I guess some can't seem to understand and that's fine. But I've always been this way.

I guess recently things have become that little bit more real, noticeable and just genuinely feels different now. Although I wish and hope for many more years, I'm starting to realise that is no longer visible, as things are deteriorating already. Mine and Karla's birthday was on Saturday, luckily Mum was out in time to be here with us. For me I needed to be surrounded by my whole family, spending time together, eating good food and just having a good time, as for me I don't feel Mum will make it to our 24th birthday.

This put a fair bit of stress onto me, but I feel this was more a less expected and hopefully I'm not the only one in the family, feeling this way. I just wanted to cherish the moment and make memories. In my head I'm back to the waiting game that seems to take over. I can't explain it very easily, but it's painful, emotional and draining. I know people tell me not to think of when it'll happen but instead focus on now, however I just simply find it so hard to not always question when, I supposed my anxiety must play a part in this.

I know the day's going to come, I don't know when but I'm hoping it never does, all at the same time. It probably makes no sense to you reading this, as it doesn't even make sense to me! Again it's something I can't explain.

One of my childhood friends who I've known forever, recently lost her Dad unexpectedly, tragically and so incredibly sudden. Although I don't want to share too much on this, but seeing her struggle the way she has, with coming to terms with it and just coping with everything that has been unfolding, makes it all feel so real in a weird way for me.I don't share her grief because I didn't personally know him, seeing her so heart broken makes it all come home into realising what is yet to come for me.

I don't again know if this is wrong but what I do know is I deeply feel her pain, I feel every ounce of what she's experiencing even though I'm yet to be in her shoes. Knowing I'm awaiting the pain and heartache she feels now, quite honestly scares me. I don't want to make this into a thing about me, because of course it isn't, it's about my dear friend, who right now needs my support, my strength and every ounce of love I can offer. So for her I am able to push aside the feelings to focus on her, it's only once I leave and try to get myself of to sleep. (typical)

There has been so much that has happened in the world, from the Manchester bombing, to the London attack, to Syria and yesterday's horrific fire in the London flats, it all seems to scream death, tragedy and heartache. It's just everywhere, obviously "things happen and people die" but I just can't seem to look at it that way. I feel so much, for others, for the world, for the people who go through such heartache and I wish to take it away. I've been told many times that this is a problem, as it gets me down occasionally to me it isn't a problem because it's something I cherish and am happy to feel.

I just simply feel for others and myself, I notice someone's pain, someone's mood, someone's happiness and I just feel so much, For me it's never "too much" and I never think I "shouldn't" be this way because all I know is it's me. I've always been this way, even as a little girl. For instance my first ever experience was back in year 6. We'd gone on a school trip to Scarborough me and Karla were put in different rooms on different floors, which was not a big deal as we got along with everyone. The last night  staying there was the night of our birthday, I remember we were all sent to bed after watching a film I'm not totally sure of the name of the film, but I recall it saying "give me the ring" and I'm sure it was a thriller.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a sense that something was wrong with Karla, so I left my room went straight down to hers to find she was hyperventilating, surrounded by teachers and the girls in her room and I remember trying to help but unsure of what to do, I was in panic mode an ambulance was on it's way and I knew she'd be okay. Everyone within the hotel above was sound asleep and unaware of what had happened, which for me proves that if i was anyone else I wouldn't have been the wiser.. I wish out of everything I could explain this feeling to you, but I've never been able to, no matter how many times I experience it.

I feel like it's always been hard for others to understand me, some may think I'm shy when they first meet me, because I'm reserved until I can trust you, some people who only meet me during harder times in life may think I'm hard work or maybe even crazy.. I genuinely have no idea what people think of me. What I do know is I have so much going on sometimes that I'm maybe not being my true self. I'll never know what you or anyone reading this thinks of me, and to be totally honest that's fine with me because I'm happy with who I am. I like that I feel so much, that I feel others maybe more than I should, I can deal with the feelings I have within most of the time and I'll always ask for help when I need it. But all of this makes me the kind hearted caring person, my heart is pure and I love with everything I have. Yes sometimes I live in fear, I become so mixed with emotions and stress all mangles into one but I've found for me, writing helps.

Writing means I can better understand myself, better let out everything from without, because once that pens in my hand it all flows out without me having to think about what to write,but I share it because it's real. It's me, it's the feelings within and I feel these things should be able to be shared with others without feeling shame, I feel it could maybe help someone else, even if that means I get someone to write down their feelings when they normally wouldn't or it may help no one other than me. But we need to show people real life happens, it's not going to be this easy lifestyle that social media can portray and that you don't have to ever be ashamed of anything you feel or think. So this was me, sharing my real life shit. Until next time, Amy x