Its 3 o'clock in the morning, I should be sleeping but instead I just lay here with thoughts running through my head. I feel exhausted but I can't sleep because on the inside I'm crying, I can't explain the feelings inside me. But I miss you, it just suddenly hits me that I no longer have a mother to turn to when I want to, it just suddenly hits me that I haven't heard your voice in ages nor felt your arms wrapped around me.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, I'm sat here with candles burning the way you liked them. Everything I'm used to no longer feels the same, the house feels lonely and wrong, watching our programmes alone isn't the same., boiling the kettle for one feels wrong. Everything feels wrong, lonely and sad.
I notice the saddness creeping deep inside my heart, I notice the silence in the air, I feel the coldness deep inside, I feel the hot flame calling your name. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm sat here, with this uncomfortable feeling growing inside, I look around the house hoping to see you.. only everytime I know it's pointless. I ring your phone to talk to you, let you in on the day share with you the good and bad.. only there's no answer.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I thought the saddness had past, I thought it was over.. only I realise it'll never be over. I have so much to tell you Mum, exciting things have happened; things you'd never believe. Before the new year I had an interview and 4 days into the new year I got the job. Its perfect, it suits me, you'd be relieved and I know you'd be bursting with pride. I'm even going running without quiting, I know the biggest thing you'd be proud of... I'm finally trying to cut down smooking and eventually I'll stop.
I want to hear you cheer me on, to hear you say how proud you are, I used to wake up to your smile and I miss it. In fact you'd always been here, never missed a thing, coffee ready and waiting on the side every single morning until you no longer had the strength. We swapped roles Mum, I cared for you the way you always did me, we became so incredibly close and I miss it - the feeling of security. The knowing you'd always be here, only you're not you couldn't have been. We all knew the cancer was getting worse.. we knew you'd go, but I never thought of when or why or how it would feel.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, your smile, your laugh, your smell, your love and everything inbetween. They say it gets easier.. only how? Everyday I think I'm okay, it gets to 3 o'clock in the morning and I realise I'm not okay because I miss you. The hole grows bigger and deeper I ask myself how much bigger can it get?
I should be sleeping, but my minds racing pulling up memories that feel like yesterday, sometimes I forget your gone until I wake up in the morning. It's hard to pinpoint the real-life, the dreams and the memories, they all merge into one I can't tell them apart. Everyday feels different, but the same too.. its like looking through life with goggles on trying to get through without tears. Only it catches you, it knows just when to strike, the heartache is unbarable and it hurts.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you.
I feel guilty for feeling positive, I feel guilty for feeling sad, I feel guilty for smooking, I feel guilty most of the time, I feel wrong so wrong asif I've lost an arm and I'm waiting for it to reconnect. I know your up there watching, I know you care, I know your trying to protect us and give us a break, put happiness back into our lives. I feel it, I feel you holding me and looking over my shoulder.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, this life isn't fair.
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