"Some people on the outside might read these blogs I produce and think I'm crazy for telling strangers certain things, but I don't see it that way. To me its knowing I write about things you often don't see, to me its being who I am and doing what I love."
So I guess its about time I return back here to tell you all how things have been the past week, after I shared "The hollowing truth - Something we don't talk about enough". I would also quickly like to thank those of you who, after reading my blog went out of your way to message me. Those messages mean the world to me and made me feel at ease, I now feel extremely glad that I bothered to open up to not only you guys, but to myself too.
After I published my post on Thursday 2nd March I managed to get into my doctors the next day. In there, that room felt the size of a football pitch and I shook while I tried my hardest to open up and let everything out. I found I spoke as quickly as I possibly could to throw it out, when I finished talking my doctor simply said "You seem to be suffering with both depression and anxiety, it's been clear to me for a while now Amy, so I'm glad you have come to tell me yourself today" he then went on to write me a precription to treat both. However I guess you could say due to my migraines its a little complicated.
The following Tuesday 7th March was my appointment with 'The Migraine Clinic' I've been awaiting this appointment for about 8 months. To tell you the truth, I've wished these months away. I've done this because my migraines are getting worse. The plan was to stay off any medications for my mental health until I'd had the appointment.
When I got home I told my family what the doctor had said explaining that for now I have to wait over the weekend for Tuesday to come. I'd planned to spend the weekend with cal - I love weekends because 2 whole days with him are the best! We decided Saturday would be a nice easy chilled day at his parents and we'd drive back to Cambridge in the evening.
The Journey - 4th March
We set off about half 7, taking the usual route back to Cambridge we've done this many times - so I'm familiar with this tedious journey. I sat in the passanger seat, Cal playing his music so loud that I have to shout to be heard!
Half way, I started to feel extremely wierd; it's quite hard to explain but I felt anxious, shakey, I felt kind of unhuman - asif I was looking out of the wrong eyes. When we reached my house, I broke down in a terrified state - I was a complete confused mess. This isn't the first time I've felt this as occasionally in social events I can feel 'zoned out', I soon made my way upstairs and to sleep. Luckily when I awoke the feeling had past. I began to prepare for my hospital appointment, writing a list of all my medications, symptoms and I made a side note about Saturday evening.
Tuesday 7th March
The day I've been waiting for has finally come, I'm so ready for this but so bloody nervous, luckily I've got Cal here with me. We make it to the clinic and I am called through, now I sit here in front of the doctor. I answer his questions regarding my head, I pass him my notebook where I've written down everything he'd need. He took a look, took me through to another room where he did what seemed like a reflex test.
After 5 minutes he took me back through to the room we where in before, he went back to the page in my notebook where I'd written down my medications and began to cross them all out expect my Amitriptyline, my newest tablets and Panadol. His whole attitude changed, he looked at me and said "This all sounds normal to me" - yes he referred to it as normal, my initial thought was WTF how could this be normal?! but he continued "I don't want you to take any other medications other than these 3, you're going to have to suck it up and sleep them off, I'll arrange a MRI scan incase" I couldn't believe my ears, he'd actually just told me to "SUCK UP" the agony I face.
Nothing can describe how bad my head gets, but I know I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Now to have waited 8 months for an appointment that my doctor has bigged up and made me believe it'll be really helpful. To then have faced this... I feel so let down and disappointed, I know every consultant is going to be different but honestly I feel he could have worded himself better, considering this is the 3rd year of migraines and they clearly effect my life.
I don't think I have ever felt so let down, I know there isn't going to be a miracle cure for me, because its been 3 years... however the way the appointment went was so unexpected, I thought it was going to be helpful and imformative when actually it was the opposite. I do now looking back think that when he reffered to "normal" he meant for migraine sufferers.
I find myself wondering how an MRI scan will tell them anything about my migraines, in a way I am so relieved to be having one as I know if there is anything wrong up there they'll know. I find myself wondering often if it really is just migraines or if its something more serious - I'm sure its not, but the pain often takes over my mind and convinces me otherwise.
Back to me, there is no easy way to write about me or how I have been feeling, because I have found it's a little more complicated than a simple "I'm okay" because no I am not okay. I think my last blog may have made that clear. I have found this past week a serious struggle, since the 4th March, my experience on the Saturday I have found I'm not feeling myself. Those closest to me have noticed and seen the most, I don't want to sit here and tell you all an in depth explaination because I do want some privacy I guess. As always I do like to let you in and be honest because I'm more about helping others than myself.
I don't sit here publishing the stuff I do just for me, that would be totally pointless I'm not going to say it doesn't benefit me, because it does it has its positives on my life just like I hope it does on yours.
I know that once something is out there and on my blog I have spoken, I have opened up which surprisingly I don't tend to do much. Those around me know not to expect a full explanation about how I feel because I'm not good at 'talking'. I've always since I can remember written it down instead. Everyone has something they're good at, for me its writing so I decided to put it to good use - on here thatbridgegirl, my space.
Some people on the outside might read these blogs I produce and think I'm crazy for telling strangers certain things, but I don't see it that way. To me its knowing I write about things you often don't see, to me its being who I am and doing what I love. Yes I may be at risk of comments and judgements but what people on the outside don't see is the messages I recieve and the people who after reading my blog decide to talk to me about stuff they may have never told a soul! To me this gives me hope, it keeps me going and it proves that my blog is doing more than I ever expected and for that I will forever write. Yes I could hide away and pretend my life is perfect, write about other things but you see my heart wouldn't be in that. I wouldn't want to ever pretend I am something I am not. Life is a journey we all have to take part in and I'd like to think I can take you all on the journey with me, I'd like to think I can do good in this world and I want to change the way certain things go unspoken. My readers choose to read my blogs, I'm sure if I was going to get "hate" from them it would have happened way before now, anyway I'm not scared of being judged or hated on, its a part of life and something that happens everyday.
As always thank you for reading, thank you for supporting. If you're struggling in this big complicated world, just know you're not alone. I'm always happy to hear from you. If you feel there is something you'd like me to write about, get in contact or if you have any comments, feedback or views share them here.
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts