"The beauty of life is when we live in the moment, do what your heart loves and know when something isn't right."
A relfection of the past 9 years.
Hey Aimes, it's an older, wiser me here, I thought I'd write to teenaged you.
Firstly I'd like to say your teenage years are going to include some of the hardest times of your life, but believe me you're going to learn so much.
At 13 years of age your whole world will be turned upside down, you will no longer be that carefree child with nothing but positivity and hope. You'll go for a family meal, everything will be normal and it'll be lovely. When you get home everything will unexpectly change before your eyes, Mum will suddenly become riddled with pain, at the age of 13 you'll witness mum cry for the first time. The whole family will become panicked before she's rushed off to hospital.
You'll end up snuggled up to Karla in bed while you both try your hardest to fall asleep. Everything will become a blur and eventually you'll both fall asleep in eachother's arms. When you awake you'll rush to the hospital to see Mum.
"Suspected gall stones" surgery will be arranged that evening to remove the stones - a straight forward procedure. From here there will be many hospital visits, after Mum's surgery you'll go straight to intensive care to see her. She'll be connected to god knows how many tubes and as high as a kite on morphine, this will leave you shocked and speechless. The morphine will make you see her in a whole new light, who knew you could end up in floods of tears from laughter when she accuses the nurses of stealing her green pjammas and demands they remove them and give them straight back; while feeling so frightened on the inside.
The day everything changes hasn't happened yet, but it will be so unexpected your head will be a confused mess. - I'm not going to pretend I remember the events of this day very clearly, as it's now become such a blur but I'm going to try my hardest so bare with me. You'll be told to sit down as mum and dad have something important to tell you, instantly the pit of your stomach will know this isn't going to be good, you'll wait patiently before they speak.
"The surgeon became nosey during mum's surgery and noticed her liver looked odd, he did a biopsy to be on the safe side. It came back as cancerous - mum has liver cancer."
That word "cancer" that one word will haunt you Aimes, I'm sorry to say it doesn't appear to have gotten any easier. They'll send her into surgery where they are going to remove over half of her liver and then she'll move onto chemotherapy. She'll be weak, extremely sick and it'll be bloody horrific you'll have to push her around in a wheelchair, but she'll be too heavy for you to push alone so you and Karla will take a handle each to push.
Fast forward to 15, you'll be troubled, shy and stressed but you'll have your girls. All 11 of us (sorry if that's incorrect girls) and you'll have some of the best times together - even if that's drinking illegally in a certain someone's kitchen! Prom the day we've been planning and waiting for! You'll wear the most gorgeous white ball gown with beautiful sequin embellishments and it'll be a blast. (depite not touching any of the food in order to avoid ruining your dress - yes even that chocolate fountain!)
The after party will be a massive meet up with most of your entire year at Nightengale Field - still can't believe of all places we went there! There will be drink, some people you've never really spoken to will talk to you for the first time and it'll be lovely to socialise with everyone.
There will be one guy Aimes, who seems highly interested in you (oh I wish I could have told you to skip him) it'll take him a lot of effort before he eventually becomes your first boyfriend. At first it'll feel amazing, you'll believe you "love" eachother despite looking back now and thinking "pha that wasn't love!" one day a few months down the line, something will change. After arguing over him doing drugs he'll become strange, unlike him and scary. He'll raise his hand and hit you so hard you automatically go into shock. - It won't be a jokey thing, it'll hurt, be powerful, you'll be left crying on his bed in disbelief.
From here he'll beg and plead that he didn't mean to, he'll cry, look vunerable and you'll stupidly feel sorry for him. You'll stupidly believe it's your fault like he convinces you, and you'll believe him when he plea's he'll never do it again. He'll convince you to lie for him about the bruises to protect him, you won't tell a soul. The sad part is you'll spend the next 3 years beside him.
Unfortunately this is only the begining, it only gets worse. The violence will get harder, more frequent and at 4ft11 against a 6ft boy, quite often you'll fear for your life! His hands will be around your neck, leaving you breathless while he carries on putting pressure on you, pulling harder and harder, sometimes you'll try your hardest to kick or punch out in order to get him off you! For some reason this will leave you ashamed and embarrassed for stooping to it - but it's become the only way to get him off.
At 20 you'll fall in love with your bestfriend after a break up of once again another shambles of a relationship. This time it'll be unexpected, it'll catch you off gaurd but you'll realise you've never truely "loved" before. He'll treat you better than you've ever experienced, your family will love him too. He's charasmatic, a serious joker but the most kindest soul you've ever known, eventually you'll open up and tell him everything you've been through and he'll do the same - strangly you'll both realise you've been through some tough shit as teenagers. You'll have so much in common with a fair few differences but you'll click together perfectly, you'll plummet into love and it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
He'll regain your trust in men, teach you more about yourself than you've ever known and best of all you'll bring the best out of eachother. He'll accept you for who you are, as will you him; you'll grow and evolve, you'll learn who you are and exactly what you want. You'll look back Aimes and realise just how strong you've been, you'll start to write just like you've always loved to do. Only now you're writing with a purpose, for people to read and eventually you'll start to show who you are, tell your story and my god it will feel incredible! It'll empower you and make you realise this is the path you need to take.
If there is some things that I now know at the age of 22, that I wish I'd have known then; it would be:
I share my stories and parts of my life in order to show you that life isn't always a perfect fairytale like we want to believe. That you don't need to be ashamed of certain events and to open your eyes to reality. I hope to inspire, relate and open your minds. Thank you once again for all your support in my blogs. (I know a fair few of my posts can be negative, but just know they are 100% real and they are me, I will never pretend to be something I am not. That's one thing I have never done!)
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts