"I'm not sharing this for sympathy, for a cry for help nor to let anger out, I share this because I wish so deeply I'd had the opportunity to read another's story with battling cancer, as a relative and not the diseased. I share this because I wish this whole journey hadn't felt so lonely, so strange and so unknown."
Things changing in your life can be scary, sometimes plans don't work out, things go wrong or all of a sudden you're in an unexpected situation. Recently things in my own life have been changing, much quicker than I ever expected. I for one know I've not been feeling all that great about this change and I've probably let it effect me a little too much.
When I talk of change I mean things like; accidentally falling pregnant, not passing an exam, not getting the job you wanted, having an accident or falling unwell - These are changes that are common and usually you'll fall victim to these changes at some point in life. Unfortunately cancer has become common, many people in the world have cancer, it's estimated that each year 12.7 million people discover they have cancer.
"I share this because despite that massive number, I've never once read another daughters perspective like this, I know there are over 12.7 million people battling this who like me feel totally alone. They have no idea what to expect, they have no idea that the feelings they feel, are normal."
That's a shocking amount of people to be living with cancer, of course every patients journey is different as there's many types, but what shocks me the most is that it isn't openly talked about and people don't often share their stories. Although I have made sure I share my mums cancer story, I haven't mentioned it in a while.
I for one feel the need to not just share my mums story, but also my story as someone on the outside. Not the one with cancer, but my story of a daughter who's mum has cancer, because I feel the people related or close to someone with cancer also have a journey and a battle they face too, We are all important but I know for one that since the age of 13 I have never once read or heard another's story through the battle from the perspective of a relative, I've read the victims stories, but not a relative; someone battling from the outside.
Of course as a whole, no matter who you are, victim of cancer or relative/friend of someone who has cancer, it's still hard for everyone involved. I wish when this journey first started for me that, I had the opportunity to read or hear from another going through the same thing. I know not everyone will agree and that's fine, but I'm 90% sure I can't be the only one who wishes to have heard from another going through a similar thing? Or can I?
I know I can't speak for everyone but I feel the need to share a different perspective on my mums cancer journey, a daughters perspective. Today I want to tell you about change, I've talked about the waiting, the depression, the story of where it began and others, but never gave I shared my own perspective on change. Which I think is one of the hardest most challenging times and again something we don't share.
Every cancer story is focused around change from the beginning to end. Change in growth, change in scan results, change in health, change in weight; you just wait for change. In the beginning for the 10 years, although there had been changes in mum, these weren't drastic and things were stable. The change wasn't noticeable on the outside, with mum being the positive person she is, her cancer never seemed to get her down.
Only now, looking back from January this year, is the change noticeable, it's dramatic and you can't avoid noticing the difference. Mum had never been big, but never skinny, she now weighs just 8 stone (a weight she hasn't been since before having 4 children) you can see the difference in her body. Her thighs and arms almost the same size, her curves have become less and she genuinely is now skinny.
The change in her pain is unnerving, every single day her bones and joints ache, her belly hurts and you can see the pain she's in, just from her face. She's now sick a lot of the time, it's almost become a surprise if she isn't sick. Although she's still yet to take the morphine, every day she's unable to do things the way she could. She's frail, her energy levels are low and she's extremely poorly.
The problem isn't the change as such, because we knew eventually everything would get worse. We knew it only takes time before it comes in and takes over. The hardest part however, is accepting, the changes that are happening, accepting how poorly she has become, accepting that from here it can only get worse and accepting anytime now this awful disease could swarm in and take her.
No one talks about the parts where you have to help them be sick, of when you watch them in pain unable to help, of helping them up when they've sat down and can't get back up. Of the times when they can't even bare to eat or drink, the times when you have to hold them while they cry, get angry and are fed up of this battle. The daily struggles aren't talked about and I guess unless you've been in the situation yourself you wouldn't have a clue on what really goes on.
Now the thing is because the change isn't talked about even I, the daughter of a mother who has cancer also had absolutely no idea on what to expect. Don't get me wrong I'm not stupid, I knew everything would get worse, but just not how or what even happens to someone with cancer. All of a sudden it seems change has begun, sprung up out of the blue, she's suddenly loosing weight like there's no tomorrow, bring sick constantly and is in so much pain. Of course there's many more, but we'll leave it here.
What do you do when you realise it's suddenly getting worse? Considering you know there is nothing you can do, I guess you have to accept it. I do however wonder if accepting it is even possible, as for me the changes become harder and harder; I don't think I'll ever be able to accept it. I know every single person is unique and deals with things in different ways, I'd never dream of telling someone they are doing it wrong or even interfere with their process because I'd hate for someone to do that to me. So respect everyone within your circle, don't try to determine what they should and shouldn't be doing.
One thing I struggle with on a regular basis is when people like neighbours or mutual friends of mum ask the dreaded "How's mum?" because I go into a panic, I hate the thought of telling them the truth and hurting their feelings. She's bad, not good, really unwell and can't do much.. instead I find myself saying "Oh, she's not too bad today" and then the second I say that, I feel guilty because that's not the truth. I know it's probably a weird thing to do or read considering I share so much here, I'm honest here and say it how it is. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to tell them she isn't good, no matter who it is.
I don't know the reason for this other than it's easier for me because I can hardly scream back "she's terrible, this is the worst thing in the world. How the bloody hell do you think she is?" so for now, I'll stick to the easier option. Every single day my heart breaks that little bit more, I no longer cry like you would, with tears running down your face, instead I cry on the inside, no tears, no sobs but I know inside I'm howling hysterically. I feel it, deep inside my heart.
I'm not sharing this for sympathy, for a cry for help nor to let anger out, I share this because I wish so deeply I'd had the opportunity to read another's story with battling cancer, as a relative and not the diseased. I share this because I wish this whole journey hadn't felt so lonely, so strange and so unknown. I wish I had the opportunity to know at least one person felt the way I do. I wish I'd have known what to expect, to have known that this would be so hard, I share this because 12.7 million people in the world battle cancer, that's without thought for those of the relatives.
I share this because despite that massive number, I've never once read another daughters perspective like this, I know there are over 12.7 million people battling this who like me feel totally alone. They have no idea what to expect, they have no idea that the feelings they feel, are normal.
Well here I am AMY THOMPSON, THE GIRL WHO'S MUM HAS CANCER, THE GIRL WHO DECIDED TO SHARE HER PERSPECTIVE. The girl who hopes to reach out to you, in hope this helps, comforts you, in hope you no longer feel totally alone, in hope you can relate, connect and realise everything you feel is okay. In hope you realise cancer can be spoken about, in hope you understand my story, in hope I have inspired you to do something out of the ordinary. In hope you no longer feel ashamed of your battle, of the unknown suspense, of not knowing how to cope. Anything you face, the most important thing to remember is everyone copes differently, you're not alone. For me writing helps, sharing my story is my goal and one day I hope to share my journey once through this. How I overcame it all.
This isn't for sympathy, I don't want you to feel sorry for me nor feel depressive after you read this, I just wanted to share with you "A daughters perspective". Please like, share and come back here for more, until next time thatbridgegirl Amy .
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts