"I feel like the world is going round without me
On Tuesday 8th May 2018 was six months since we lost Mum, to me it still feels like yesterday but to think it's actually been half a year is crazy. It feels like forever ago that I was sat beside Mum's bed, holding her hand and saying my final goodbye but at the same time it still feels so raw, new and painful. You see the thing is the pain feels just the same as it did at the beginning, it's constant heartache and muddled emotions.
Everyday has been completely different, in terms of grief, how I'm feeling and how I 'expected' it to feel. I guess I should never have assumed how I would cope with Mum's passing, but the truth is I knew it was coming and I thought I'd be prepared. After all she'd battled cancer since I was 12 so I kinda just expected that after finding out it was 'terminal' I was ready to accept this, things always seemed pretty steady until it got to 2017. That's when things started to gradually go down hill and I knew this would be the year cancer would claim her. This year was the year I decided I wanted to become Mum's carer, help her day to day, to simply be beside her each morning and night; truly focus on Mum.
I felt that because I 'knew' it was coming she must have known too, I couldn't bring myself to leave for work knowing she was alone with her thoughts. I wasn't enjoying my job at the time, I found it extremely difficult to focus on work while I was there because I'd constantly worry about Mum. I knew my mind could only focus on Mum and I'm sure she knew that too, that's why when I finally quit she never once moaned or told me I was doing the wrong thing. The stress of going to a job I hated with the worry of Mum made me unwell and so it only made sense to officially register as Mum's full-time carer; honestly I still to this day believe this made me a better version of myself.
I could sit here and pretend that I know everything about grief,but the truth is I don't and that certainly isn't my intention. I personally feel that losing a mother (parent) is a different grief to another; I'm not saying it doesn't hurt because of course it does! But in my opinion loosing Mum at 23 has felt completely different to when I lost my Granddad and Aunty, the pain isn't the same and i put that down to the fact that a Mum is the one who birthed you, cradled you from the beginning, she's the one you turn to and the connection is so different.
You'll never experience the love of a parent ever again and no one will ever love you in the same way. Sure we have family, friends, partners; people who love us, but it's just not the same as the love a parent feels towards you. It feels like so much has changed in so little time, but at the same time it feels like it's been forever. There's an unknown silence when it comes to death, it's not an open conversation you can just have with people because everyone's views on death are different just as people grieve differently, it's sensitive to many and usually an avoided subject.
For me the build up to the six month mark was something that seemed to creep up and out of no where, it didn't feel long at all until I suddenly realised Mum's been gone half a year. I've found I started to feel lost, like I didn't belong anywhere. I'd started to feel like I had no one to turn to or that I'm annoying the people I can turn to and constantly had this feeling that I'm bothering them. Realistically I just wanted Mum and it just didn't feel the same,. I'm longing for the security of Mum, the belief she had in me, the way I always felt loved and wanted no matter the problem. I knew I could turn to her with silly questions without feeling judged, she was always like my personal cheer leader, pushing me to do the things I spoke about, like writing, making a life for myself and chasing my dreams forever there, forever supportive.
I feel like the world is going round without me and I'm stood in the centre, stuck with grief. My brain often plays tricks on me by making me believe she's still here at home with Dad and I just haven't seen her that day. I often long to phone her, to fill her in on my day; you know the usual things. Sometimes it's not until I stop myself in the moment to remind myself she's no longer here and those things are no longer possible. I guess that's what hurts, makes those feelings of heartache constantly reappear.
I'm sure me sharing this with you will not come as a shock to many who have been here themselves, or those of you who visit my blog regularly because I've been so erratic here too. Either posting positive posts or new goals or I simply don't post at all, the truth is it reflects well. I am either up or down, I guess I'm kind of all over the place my grief has felt as confusing to me as my posts have been on here. I mean my last post was all so positive and how I'm 'grabbing life with two hands' and now it's the other end of the spectrum; the opposite.
I'd always been able to turn to Mum whenever I needed, which is I guess the same for most of you, when your ill you rely on your mum, you let her in on your day, to go to her with your worries and ask for advice. I'm not good at being unwell at the best of times, but when it's something I've never experienced I can often freak out and without Mum I feel like I've got no one to turn to for advice and guidance. Maybe me being unwell is what has bought these feelings to light, it made me realise the things I can no longer do, it made me realise I have no Mum and the fact I can never turn to her again in times of need.
I know that things change, we have good and bad days our moods often change. I know I won't always be feeling the way I am right now and maybe next week I'll be feeling completely different. I feel for me it's important to share 'my story' share with you the way I feel without masking things to look better to the outside world, I feel I owe it after starting my blog and sharing so much already. It's only fair to myself to stay true to who I am and do it as openly as I possibly can because what I've always vowed on here is to be open, raw and honest.
I'm not the first and I won't be the last to lose my Mum at 23 or to cancer, but I know reading something like this for many may be what they're looking for, to read something real and honest. Someone out there in the world may be feeling exactly the same as I do right now, 'alone, lost and riddled with grief' so to me it's important to share the way I'm feeling in hope of helping another. For someone else might turn around and think 'she gets it, that's exactly how I feel'. That means I've achieved what I wanted. I made a promise to my Mum that I'd never stop being myself, that I'd continue to share my stories, be real, open and honest with you guys about real things that happen to me..
I've always said that's what the world lacks; people sharing real life experiences that are often brushed under the carpet and you're expected to just know or that real life problems are just frowned upon. But losing a parent, a loved one and dealing with cancer are real things is this world that happen more often than you'd think and to me that's why I share this. When I was growing up I hadn't come across a single blog like mine, that I feel may have helped me on my journey through life, so here I am hoping and praying this helps one person in this world.
I've always been a 'helper' in everything I do, I love to feel that I've helped someone out, even if it's a simple thing like picking up something someone has dropped on the street or engaging in a conversation with someone that clearly doesn't get spoken to much. I want to simply make someone's day that little bit brighter in anyway I can, just the way Mum always did. Helping others makes me feel whole, like I have a purpose and allows me to carry on my Mums legacy.
I hope you've enjoyed this post, found it useful and took something away from this, remember if you have any particular things you'd like to share you can do so in the comments section.
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts