"I honestly started to think I'd never leave my house again, never sleep a wink or eat properly and I certainly never thought I'd love myself again."
I started to feel like I was drowning, like everything around me was being pulled out from under my feet. I started to feel like I was loosing control, it felt like an out of body experience; I felt like an alien to my own self, like I was watching from another’s eyes. I was terrified to leave the house, terrified to be near people, petrified of what was happening to my mind. I felt lonelier than ever before, even though I knew I had people who loved me around me.
I called my doctor's to book an appointment, fully convinced I was going crazy and this was it. I was trembling so much you could physically see it, unable to rely on oneself to explain what was going on I asked my boyfriend to come with me, waiting for my name to be called felt like an eternity had passed. Eventually my name was called, clutching onto my boyfriend's hand, shaking like a leaf I sat down and broke down into tears.
"It's hit me harder than I ever even imagined was possible, it's effected me in ways I can barely explain. I didn't know pain and heartache like this existed; a year and 2 months have flown on by. Looking back at the year of 2018 brings me the saddest moments in my life"
I haven't put pen to paper in over 6 months, not a single word has been written in my notepad nor have I opened up my laptop. To tell you the truth I've missed the sound of my pen scratching the paper, the tapping of my keyboard, these sounds used to fulfil my heart, bring me a sense of joy and made me feel happy.
I haven't even searched my blog on Google just to have a look, admire my space let alone log in and look at my analytics. This used to be my ritual I'd forever be checking everything's okay, the site still works and is attracting people. I loved the feeling of creativity, making something entirely my own letting my thoughts run wild without a care in the world, no plan of action. I would sit with a coffee beside me let my words spill out onto the page, never a topic in mind; I'd just wake and bake you know. I'd see what I come up with never would I read back until the words have left my brain and are in front of me, only then would I re-read to decide if this is something good or just garbage that will stay unseen..
"I feel like the world is going round without me
On Tuesday 8th May 2018 was six months since we lost Mum, to me it still feels like yesterday but to think it's actually been half a year is crazy. It feels like forever ago that I was sat beside Mum's bed, holding her hand and saying my final goodbye but at the same time it still feels so raw, new and painful. You see the thing is the pain feels just the same as it did at the beginning, it's constant heartache and muddled emotions.
"On this rainy evening I've decided I'm ready to grab life with both hands and get back to doing what I love."
It seems since loosing Mum in November, I lost my way in the blogosphere; I think sometimes it can be a little overwhelming and hard to stay motivated to continuously create content at the best of times. With the constant changes of what others are producing, there's a constant pressure to keep up with others. Keeping up with life can be hard anyway - we all get that from time to time, life can occasionally just get a little too much and we just loose our 'mojo' but that's okay!
Its 3 o'clock in the morning, I should be sleeping but instead I just lay here with thoughts running through my head. I feel exhausted but I can't sleep because on the inside I'm crying, I can't explain the feelings inside me. But I miss you, it just suddenly hits me that I no longer have a mother to turn to when I want to, it just suddenly hits me that I haven't heard your voice in ages nor felt your arms wrapped around me.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, I'm sat here with candles burning the way you liked them. Everything I'm used to no longer feels the same, the house feels lonely and wrong, watching our programmes alone isn't the same., boiling the kettle for one feels wrong. Everything feels wrong, lonely and sad.
I notice the saddness creeping deep inside my heart, I notice the silence in the air, I feel the coldness deep inside, I feel the hot flame calling your name. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm sat here, with this uncomfortable feeling growing inside, I look around the house hoping to see you.. only everytime I know it's pointless. I ring your phone to talk to you, let you in on the day share with you the good and bad.. only there's no answer.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I thought the saddness had past, I thought it was over.. only I realise it'll never be over. I have so much to tell you Mum, exciting things have happened; things you'd never believe. Before the new year I had an interview and 4 days into the new year I got the job. Its perfect, it suits me, you'd be relieved and I know you'd be bursting with pride. I'm even going running without quiting, I know the biggest thing you'd be proud of... I'm finally trying to cut down smooking and eventually I'll stop.
I want to hear you cheer me on, to hear you say how proud you are, I used to wake up to your smile and I miss it. In fact you'd always been here, never missed a thing, coffee ready and waiting on the side every single morning until you no longer had the strength. We swapped roles Mum, I cared for you the way you always did me, we became so incredibly close and I miss it - the feeling of security. The knowing you'd always be here, only you're not you couldn't have been. We all knew the cancer was getting worse.. we knew you'd go, but I never thought of when or why or how it would feel.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, your smile, your laugh, your smell, your love and everything inbetween. They say it gets easier.. only how? Everyday I think I'm okay, it gets to 3 o'clock in the morning and I realise I'm not okay because I miss you. The hole grows bigger and deeper I ask myself how much bigger can it get?
I should be sleeping, but my minds racing pulling up memories that feel like yesterday, sometimes I forget your gone until I wake up in the morning. It's hard to pinpoint the real-life, the dreams and the memories, they all merge into one I can't tell them apart. Everyday feels different, but the same too.. its like looking through life with goggles on trying to get through without tears. Only it catches you, it knows just when to strike, the heartache is unbarable and it hurts.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you.
I feel guilty for feeling positive, I feel guilty for feeling sad, I feel guilty for smooking, I feel guilty most of the time, I feel wrong so wrong asif I've lost an arm and I'm waiting for it to reconnect. I know your up there watching, I know you care, I know your trying to protect us and give us a break, put happiness back into our lives. I feel it, I feel you holding me and looking over my shoulder.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, this life isn't fair.
"My purpose for 2016 was purely down to caring for mum, its the only thing I cared about doing. Everything else became irrelevant"
I can't lie, I've been staring at this blank page for over an hour. I've been here before many times, this feeling deep inside me has become familiar. It's not nice nor horrific but that's besides the point; its here every single time I open this page. With every minute that pasts, its deep inside of me so deep I daren't question it, I don't want to push this feeling. I can't even tell you I understand this feeling nor tell you why its here..
Getting past this blank page has been a struggle for what feels like months; 2 to be exact. I'm unsure if the struggle has been the page itself or the feeling deep inside of me, but either way here I am. I'm doing it, pen to paper, hand to keyboard, no plan, no idea just this familiar feeling. Then every time I get here, I ask myself "will this be the one?" "who knows?" I personally have no idea.
"Everyone's blog is unique to them, as are their goals, aspirations and dreams, which is why I believe there is no such thing as right or wrong way to do things. We all have to start with our 'WHY' that 'WHY' is the reasons behind everything, from keeping us going and believing in ourselves and so much more."
Welcome back my lovelies, I sure as hell have missed my blog but most important;y I have missed this feeling. The feeling of writing in my notebook, my little space; I don't want you guys to think I'm crazy but honestly the feeling I get from writing is something so special and something I don't think I'll ever be able to explain.
I know that right now I'm probably the worlds worst blogger; considering I've been so MIA. There are thousands of other bloggers out there that you or I can follow along knowing their posts will be consistent each week. To me being one of the 'smaller bloggers' is like being a tiny fish in the sea!
"I'm ever so grateful to be able to explore
Welcome back to the blog, I know I've had a week or so off but I have a very valid reason! As some of you may know, I flew off to Ibiza,Spain on the 1st October 2017 with my boyfriend Calum, we managed to get a last minute deal for such an amazing price. Mum's condition hadn't seemed to change for the couple of weeks running up to the date we'd be going away, so we decided to take the chance and go. When I went away I decided I'd love to both vlog and put together a blog post for our Ibiza trip, as my dream has always been to travel so why not start here?
My vlog actually went up on my YouTube channel on Monday, if you haven't already given that a watch you can do so here; www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty6vUWNZEPg Please do go ahead and give this a watch if you haven't already, as this is the first ever vlog I've given ago, which to be honest I'm seriously pleased with how it came out. Also don't forget to leave a like so I know if you enjoyed it and if you haven't already then please hit the subscribe button.
"Something I love about going away is the adventure, the scenery, the difference between the way a holiday makes you feel and the productivity of the whole thing. It always just feels so free, you can do whatever your heart desires, be that lounging by the pool soaking up the sun while drinking cocktails or going for massive walks to find perfect little places and getting a feel for your surroundings."
Today I thought it would be a nice idea to do a kind of pre holiday post, you may already know that this Sunday 1st October I will be flying out to Ibiza with Calum and to say I'm excited is an understatement. This will be our second holiday together, I know this holiday however is going to top the last one, I definitely have started a few things this year that are totally different to last year. Which looking back, makes me realise a lot has changed for starters this time last year I hadn't written a single blog post for or about my holiday, let alone have my own YouTube channel. So without further a do, lets get stuck in.
"I guess the reality is that I haven't been feeling totally myself, I have no motivation, no appetite and I feel incredibly uninspired."
Hello my loves, firstly I'd just like to apologise for my recent absence on here, if I'm totally honest there are a fair few reasons as to why. But it never feels good to have time away from my blog, as at the end of the day writing is my passion and this blog means everything to me. I can't lie on here, and so that's why I'm going to tell you that I've been struggling lately, so I guess it's only fair to fill you in on what's been going on. So if you're interested, just keep reading and bare
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts