Its 3 o'clock in the morning, I should be sleeping but instead I just lay here with thoughts running through my head. I feel exhausted but I can't sleep because on the inside I'm crying, I can't explain the feelings inside me. But I miss you, it just suddenly hits me that I no longer have a mother to turn to when I want to, it just suddenly hits me that I haven't heard your voice in ages nor felt your arms wrapped around me.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, I'm sat here with candles burning the way you liked them. Everything I'm used to no longer feels the same, the house feels lonely and wrong, watching our programmes alone isn't the same., boiling the kettle for one feels wrong. Everything feels wrong, lonely and sad.
I notice the saddness creeping deep inside my heart, I notice the silence in the air, I feel the coldness deep inside, I feel the hot flame calling your name. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm sat here, with this uncomfortable feeling growing inside, I look around the house hoping to see you.. only everytime I know it's pointless. I ring your phone to talk to you, let you in on the day share with you the good and bad.. only there's no answer.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I thought the saddness had past, I thought it was over.. only I realise it'll never be over. I have so much to tell you Mum, exciting things have happened; things you'd never believe. Before the new year I had an interview and 4 days into the new year I got the job. Its perfect, it suits me, you'd be relieved and I know you'd be bursting with pride. I'm even going running without quiting, I know the biggest thing you'd be proud of... I'm finally trying to cut down smooking and eventually I'll stop.
I want to hear you cheer me on, to hear you say how proud you are, I used to wake up to your smile and I miss it. In fact you'd always been here, never missed a thing, coffee ready and waiting on the side every single morning until you no longer had the strength. We swapped roles Mum, I cared for you the way you always did me, we became so incredibly close and I miss it - the feeling of security. The knowing you'd always be here, only you're not you couldn't have been. We all knew the cancer was getting worse.. we knew you'd go, but I never thought of when or why or how it would feel.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, your smile, your laugh, your smell, your love and everything inbetween. They say it gets easier.. only how? Everyday I think I'm okay, it gets to 3 o'clock in the morning and I realise I'm not okay because I miss you. The hole grows bigger and deeper I ask myself how much bigger can it get?
I should be sleeping, but my minds racing pulling up memories that feel like yesterday, sometimes I forget your gone until I wake up in the morning. It's hard to pinpoint the real-life, the dreams and the memories, they all merge into one I can't tell them apart. Everyday feels different, but the same too.. its like looking through life with goggles on trying to get through without tears. Only it catches you, it knows just when to strike, the heartache is unbarable and it hurts.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you.
I feel guilty for feeling positive, I feel guilty for feeling sad, I feel guilty for smooking, I feel guilty most of the time, I feel wrong so wrong asif I've lost an arm and I'm waiting for it to reconnect. I know your up there watching, I know you care, I know your trying to protect us and give us a break, put happiness back into our lives. I feel it, I feel you holding me and looking over my shoulder.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I miss you, this life isn't fair.
"My purpose for 2016 was purely down to caring for mum, its the only thing I cared about doing. Everything else became irrelevant"
I can't lie, I've been staring at this blank page for over an hour. I've been here before many times, this feeling deep inside me has become familiar. It's not nice nor horrific but that's besides the point; its here every single time I open this page. With every minute that pasts, its deep inside of me so deep I daren't question it, I don't want to push this feeling. I can't even tell you I understand this feeling nor tell you why its here..
Getting past this blank page has been a struggle for what feels like months; 2 to be exact. I'm unsure if the struggle has been the page itself or the feeling deep inside of me, but either way here I am. I'm doing it, pen to paper, hand to keyboard, no plan, no idea just this familiar feeling. Then every time I get here, I ask myself "will this be the one?" "who knows?" I personally have no idea.
"Everyone's blog is unique to them, as are their goals, aspirations and dreams, which is why I believe there is no such thing as right or wrong way to do things. We all have to start with our 'WHY' that 'WHY' is the reasons behind everything, from keeping us going and believing in ourselves and so much more."
Welcome back my lovelies, I sure as hell have missed my blog but most important;y I have missed this feeling. The feeling of writing in my notebook, my little space; I don't want you guys to think I'm crazy but honestly the feeling I get from writing is something so special and something I don't think I'll ever be able to explain.
I know that right now I'm probably the worlds worst blogger; considering I've been so MIA. There are thousands of other bloggers out there that you or I can follow along knowing their posts will be consistent each week. To me being one of the 'smaller bloggers' is like being a tiny fish in the sea!
"I'm ever so grateful to be able to explore
Welcome back to the blog, I know I've had a week or so off but I have a very valid reason! As some of you may know, I flew off to Ibiza,Spain on the 1st October 2017 with my boyfriend Calum, we managed to get a last minute deal for such an amazing price. Mum's condition hadn't seemed to change for the couple of weeks running up to the date we'd be going away, so we decided to take the chance and go. When I went away I decided I'd love to both vlog and put together a blog post for our Ibiza trip, as my dream has always been to travel so why not start here?
My vlog actually went up on my YouTube channel on Monday, if you haven't already given that a watch you can do so here; www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty6vUWNZEPg Please do go ahead and give this a watch if you haven't already, as this is the first ever vlog I've given ago, which to be honest I'm seriously pleased with how it came out. Also don't forget to leave a like so I know if you enjoyed it and if you haven't already then please hit the subscribe button.
"Something I love about going away is the adventure, the scenery, the difference between the way a holiday makes you feel and the productivity of the whole thing. It always just feels so free, you can do whatever your heart desires, be that lounging by the pool soaking up the sun while drinking cocktails or going for massive walks to find perfect little places and getting a feel for your surroundings."
Today I thought it would be a nice idea to do a kind of pre holiday post, you may already know that this Sunday 1st October I will be flying out to Ibiza with Calum and to say I'm excited is an understatement. This will be our second holiday together, I know this holiday however is going to top the last one, I definitely have started a few things this year that are totally different to last year. Which looking back, makes me realise a lot has changed for starters this time last year I hadn't written a single blog post for or about my holiday, let alone have my own YouTube channel. So without further a do, lets get stuck in.
"I guess the reality is that I haven't been feeling totally myself, I have no motivation, no appetite and I feel incredibly uninspired."
Hello my loves, firstly I'd just like to apologise for my recent absence on here, if I'm totally honest there are a fair few reasons as to why. But it never feels good to have time away from my blog, as at the end of the day writing is my passion and this blog means everything to me. I can't lie on here, and so that's why I'm going to tell you that I've been struggling lately, so I guess it's only fair to fill you in on what's been going on. So if you're interested, just keep reading and bare
"Life is a roller coaster, no matter what age you are you're going to experience things that change you and things that you learn from."
If you're anything like me, then you'll have realised being in your twenties can be bloody challenging at times. Adult responsibilities seem to just pop up out of no where, your kind of chucked in at the deep end and expected to get on with it. But what you don't yet realise is, the lessons you learn in this stage of your life, so here's why I'm going to share with you 23 things I have learnt at 23.
"Although this post is aimed at everyone of all ages, my hope is to reach the younger generations, to let them read this post and I aim to get you to think long and hard about the choices you make. We've all been teenagers at one point in life, so we all understand the challenges you face from hormones to getting to know yourselves. I personally believe our teenage years help shape the person we become. We've all been through the reckless stage where you think you're invincible and you can do anything and everything."
Today I want to share with you, something that has been in the works for a while. I sit here and say it's been in the works because in all honesty it's been sat within my to-do-list and not moved, you see normally I'd just go ahead as soon as I'm inspired and publish my thoughts there and then. But to me this one's different, it's one that I'd put off in fear of the response I'd get, not because it's something I shouldn't share, with you, because this is damn well important and needs to be said, but it may also hit home with a few people.
"Most of the time while you are working on your "side hustle" in hope of making it and being able to make it your full-time profession you're also aware that it may never happen. But if you love it from day one then that won't be the be all or end all and like me you won't mind because you'll still have your very own little space on the internet."
Right now I'm doing something I've always said I wanted to do, it's nothing big like jumping out of an plane (hell no!) but I'd always walk past people doing the thing I am now and say "I wish I could do that, I bet it's so productive" believe it or not I'd always wanted to sit in a quirky little coffee shop, tucked away in the corner
of a street.
I can't tell you why, but the thought of it sends my over active mind spinning with creative excitement, so here I am on a Tuesday afternoon sat in a cute little coffee shop sipping on my Frappuccino with pen to paper. The Wi-Fi is slightly worse than I imagined, but that's okay because the less distractions the better. There's something so special about sitting here drinking my Frappuccino and letting inspiration flow naturally.
"As embarrassing as those time are now I'm 23 I'd be lying if I didn't say that some of those years where the best of my life, back when N-Dubz were cool, S-Club 7 were probably big and we can't not mention the Jane Norman bags that took over school."
I got thinking the other day about growing up, something we all go through and something that we all experience. Everyone experiences a different childhood and most of us get to an age where we are finally aloud to go to the park alone, just you and your friends; the rule back then would be to return home once the street lights are lit. Usually £2 would be your daily limit so you'd stock up on Fredo's (before they became a pound!) and have a whale of a time on the park.
You see there's some memories of thing's we as kids used to do without a single person blinking an eyelid, try that in 2017 and goodness knows what would happen. It seems the older I become the worse this world becomes, does peace even exist any more? I can no longer walk down certain streets without feeling slightly on edge, let alone the whole smiling at strangers thing that's gone out the window.
I guess danger along with anxiety has become a way of life, we have slowly somehow adapted to the fact we aren't always as safe as we'd like to think; I guess things change ey. Anyway that's not something I wish to focus on here, I think it would be much better to focus on "old times" instead. (sounds fun to me)
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts