"I believed my life would never get better, I believed this was who I am and that nothing would ever change. I felt like no one understood me or the way I was feeling, I felt alone and stuck."
Today I want to talk to you about me Amy Thompson, I feel I've told you all certain aspects of my life but there's more here for me to share with you. I've spoken to you about the struggle of my migraines, my mums cancer, moving out with Cal, falling in love with my best friend, a little about me, my aunty's passing, the things I've learnt, my biggest insecurity, my mental health struggles, the things I'd say to teenaged me and the reason's why I do this blog. I'm sure there's more I'm missing, but hey you get the drift.
I do however feel there is something I haven't opened up about, not just on here but I guess to me myself too. For me this is particularly hard to write about and hard for me to share with you, it's something I have only realised recently. I was in the car with Calum when we started to talk about my idea's for a blog post, I like to ask his opinion as I know he'll tell me the truth and sometimes I find saying my idea's aloud determines if I decide to go for them or not. We spoke the whole way back to his, in such a deep conversation about how much we have both changed our mindsets dramatically, how far we have come and how we have grown as people. It wasn't until I was speaking and thinking about it that I realised how far I've come, how much I've managed to change and I feel so strongly about it that I've decided to share it with you guys. So the only way for this to work, is to go right back to how my mindset used to be.
You may know that when I was just 13 my Mumma was diagnosed with cancer, I wrote a blog accounting my mums story right from when it started to now, you can read that here http://www.thatbridgegirl.com/grab-a-coffee--enjoy-your-read/where-it-all-began if you wish: Where it all began but today I want to focus on me. This was a shock, sudden and my god I only realise how much it truly effected me now, when I'm looking back at everything especially my mindset. I became angry, angry at the world, angry at everyone within it and angry at the cancer itself. I became so consumed with this anger inside me, constantly burning and growing so much so that eventually this anger turned into hatred.
I hated the world, I hated the cancer, I hated the fact it was mum going through it when to me she was always healthy, never smoked nor drank and most importantly she was a good person. I hated everyone who was living a "normal" life or childhood, I hated talking about her cancer, I hated admitting it was happening and most of all I began to hate myself. Just like the anger, the hatred also carried on growing.
I became so stuck in this negative mindset that everything seemed to become a vicious circle, I constantly felt like a victim, I felt sorry for myself for my mum and I became so unhappy. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong or things that didn't work out, from friendships to relationships, I would convince myself that it was all because of me. I was so self destructive that I believed no one would ever love me or like me, I became full self hate if someone said something nasty I would believe them. I hated the person I was, the way I looked, the way I felt and the way I was being.
I became snappy, irritable, depressed and anxious of everything. I felt completely lost in this world, I felt like the future was pointless, I started to believe I had no place here,I began to hate leaving my bed, going to work, school or college, I stopped making an effort with anything and honestly I look back now in complete shock when I realise how destructive my own mindset had become. I think the hardest part was hating myself so deeply I'd convince myself that everyone around me also hated me, in school I became shy, timid and lacked personality most of the friends I had were because of my twin sister would introduce them to me, not me going out of my way to make my own friends, because I believed I was so unworthy.
I almost stopped caring about people because I was so jealous of the people living normal lives, who seemed happy with who they where and the children not having to push there mum around in a wheelchair at 13, not constantly up and down from the hospital sitting beside mums bed. I mean hopefully everything I felt in a way is understandable, I was troubled, stuck and terrified of failing life. I feared so many things about the future,my self and what would happen to mum but I didn't dare tell a soul about how I felting fear of being judged badly or appearing weak.
I wanted so badly to be liked, accepted, to be strong and to be loved. I wanted to be "popular", chatty and I wanted to know who I was, my purpose and understand my feelings but I didn't. I was lost with who I was, my goals, my aspirations, I had no idea what I wanted from life and no idea who I wanted to be. I hope this helps you understand my mindset, the way I was feeling and the struggles I went through, all through the time in life when most people find themselves.
I reached breaking point on several occasions, I believed my life would never get better, I believed this was who I am and that nothing would ever change. I felt like no one understood me or the way I was feeling, I felt alone and stuck. Until the day I met Calum, we became good friends instantly, something just simply clicked and connected in a way I'd never experienced before. He seemed to understand me, understand I was struggling and he was kind hearted, honest, caring and so convinced he could help me. I eventually told him everything about my mums cancer, the way I was feeling and nothing was left unsaid. He told me he understood, he opened up back to me and told me his own story the way he'd struggled since he was also 13. His story made me feel less alone, made me realise it isn't just me who has gone through something hard, that actually there are many people out there in the world who struggle. I was so focused on the negatives that it was destroying me.
Calum is someone who inspired me, made me realise that I wanted to be better, do better and he was the one who made me realise the problem wasn't who I was, but it was with my mindset. The fundamental problem throughout my life had been with the way I thought about everything. I want to tell you about the way I changed my mindset, made myself a better person and changed the way I see my life.
I began to fight, fight against my mindset instead of simply accepting every negative thought, I tried my hardest to re-find the girl I am and wanted to be. He helped me focus on the here and now rather than fearing everything about the future and "what ifs". If you follow me on social media you'll know I try my hardest to be realistic in the way I express myself and I try to spread a positive outlook.
Right now I'm the happiest I've ever been, I focus more on bettering my mindset, doing things for myself rather than to please others. I started to write my blog only last year, which was something I'd always wanted to do but the fear of what people would think held me back, the fear of not being good enough and failing at my dream. I cared so much that I never went ahead and simply went for it, the main thing that pushed me to go for it was self belief. I started to believe I could do it, believe I could achieve my dream, I told myself that as long as I believed I could then its possible. I started to realise the only way to achieve your dream is to go ahead and work for it, make it happen yourself.
I no longer fear the future the way I used to, instead I choose to focus on my dream, my goals and being the person I want to be. I focus on the positives and push the negative thoughts out. I now give myself credit for things I've done. I tell myself I can do something and I know that once I have set myself a goal, I will reach it. Inside I feel like something has evolved, in the way I think, the way I see people and the way I see myself. I no longer care what people think of me, I won't get hung up over someone's petty comment or opinion of me. I don't care if someone hates me any more because I am me, I'm happy as me and I'm happy with my life, the people in it and I'm happy with my mindset. I for the first time am genuinely happy, my heart is full, kind, caring and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I feel like there's a few various things that helped me change my mindset and I want to share them with you, because I don't want to just sit here and tell my story, but I want to help anyone else who may be feeling the way I had or help you get over these feelings. I know first handedly just how damaging your own mindset can be, I've experienced it myself,been at breaking point and now thankfully I have overcome it due to:
Obviously I feel there are many factors into changing your mindset, but these are the 4 things I personally believe helped me change the way I think. Honestly you can do anything as long as you believe in it, you are capable of absolutely anything, big and small. I hope you could connect with me in this blog post, maybe inspired you into changing your mindset, opened your eyes to realise how far you have come or helped you in some way. I need you to start to believe in yourself, your goals and push towards a healthier mindset. You can hear Calum's story here: https://www.youtube.com/user/PugzyCB1
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post, your feedback or questions. Or if you feel up for sharing your own story I'd love to hear from you. As always thank you for reading, feel free to share this post. Until next time <3
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts