"My purpose for 2016 was purely down to caring for mum, its the only thing I cared about doing. Everything else became irrelevant"
I can't lie, I've been staring at this blank page for over an hour. I've been here before many times, this feeling deep inside me has become familiar. It's not nice nor horrific but that's besides the point; its here every single time I open this page. With every minute that pasts, its deep inside of me so deep I daren't question it, I don't want to push this feeling. I can't even tell you I understand this feeling nor tell you why its here..
Getting past this blank page has been a struggle for what feels like months; 2 to be exact. I'm unsure if the struggle has been the page itself or the feeling deep inside of me, but either way here I am. I'm doing it, pen to paper, hand to keyboard, no plan, no idea just this familiar feeling. Then every time I get here, I ask myself "will this be the one?" "who knows?" I personally have no idea.
All I can do right now, is see what happens, just write and wait to see if indeed this is the one to be published, or if like many others it'll stay inside my journal. Right now we're 4 days before Christmas, the day of celebrations, usually every year I love the Christmas buzz, I get involved and love it.
This year that Christmas feeling is replaced by something unfamiliar not exactly sadness... but if I'm honest its hard to put my finger on it. I know why this feeling deep inside is here, its the realisation of no mum on Christmas day; eve or boxing day. The thing is loosing mum has been a real test, like nothing else matters any more. Its not been easy, I won't deny that everyday is different and each day I have no idea what I'll be feeling.
"Everyone always says there's a light at the end of the tunnel... so I ask; is this it? Is this the light shining down on me? What is this feeling I'm experiencing?"
My purpose for 2016 was purely down to caring for mum, its the only thing I cared about doing. Everything else became irrelevant, my focus was mum; helping here, ensuring she was happy and nothing else. The 10 years prior to this year were still also about mum, you see nothing is new here. We all know mum battled with cancer for 11 years; since I was 12 I'd on;y ever known mum as being unwell.
Since then life has been this roller-coaster of waiting, anticipating and hoping that one day she'd get better. Only that day never came, instead we were in the unknown, unsure on what's to come and unsure on the future. It only took a short amount of time for us to be told her cancer is now terminal. From that day it became a waiting game and constant thoughts of when.
For 11 years my anxiety was at an all time high and looking back, only now do I realise I gave myself such a hard time. Turns out that waiting game has come to an end and when is now, only now am I no longer waiting for what's to come, because it came; November 8th 2017. I know now is the time to stop beating myself up over the way I "should have been" or the way "I should have reacted" and now is the time to remember I was a young kid when all of this started, I was forced to grow up much quicker than others. But that's okay.
Since loosing mum I feel different, different on the inside and I can't say if this is "normal" but out of no where I am experiencing inner strength, nothing like the strength I've felt before; this is different somehow. This feels powerful like a switch inside of me has been turned on, it feels right. Like the switch has always been here but I've never needed it flicked on like now.
I know now that mum is at peace, no longer suffering and I know the way I'm feeling now is down to her. She's shining the light on me, like I've always needed but never had someone there to do it for me before now. You might think I sound crazy because I'm not sure exactly how to describe the feelings inside me. I know grief is strange, confusing and some days I'm sad, others not so sad. Sometimes I feel unmotivated, like I'm cold on the inside but the truth is the grief can blind you. Some days however I feel different, happier, inspired, motivated and powerful.
Let's cut to the point here... everyday seems to be its own uphill battle, everyday different, never the same. But one things for sure, I can't ignore the fact that either way I feel different, like a stronger more powerful version of myself. I can hear my inner voice now clearly telling me to get on with things, stop putting them off and use the way I feel as positive energy, use it the way I know how to, in writing, in sharing and in everyday life.
I'd thought for so long about the way I'd feel when mum's taken, I'd worried and I drove myself sick to the stomach with thought of how life would be without mum. Right now, a month on I still can't answer that question, but what I can say is something about me has changed for the better. Like a weight has been lifted, like mum had always planned to give me this feeling and finally I feel close to mum in spirit. I feel like whatever strength, determination and fight she had to keep her going has some how made its way to me and so I'm determined more so then ever to make a good life for myself. To make her and everyone around me proud, to do the things I've always dreamt of, to use this feeling deep inside of me the way I need to.
Everyone always says there's a light at the end of the tunnel... so I ask; is this it? Is this the light shining down on me? What is this feeling I'm experiencing?
I hope you've enjoyed this post, found it useful and took something away from this, remember if you have any particular things you'd like to share you can do so in the comments section below.
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts