"I'm sharing this because it's real, its honest, its raw and I deep down hope that I'm not the only one
Welcome back lovelies, I hope you didn't miss me too much, I decided I wanted to focus last week on 'The material loves of my life' as I realised I'd seriously neglected that part of my blog. Have you been and checked it out? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that side of my blog.
All though I obviously still blogged last week I have to be totally honest by saying I seriously missed writing, I've been dying to jump on straight back here, as writing is my escape! I've decided I want to keep today's post real, by this I mean I'm not just here posting what I feel you guys want to hear... instead I'm sharing this because it's how I feel and I need it out of my system.
You all know me by now and you know that being honest comes naturally to me I've never been good at covering things up as I wear my heart on my sleeve, if I have something to say I'll go ahead and do so. My blog has always been about sharing REAL LIFE with you, I don't need or want to give you guys that read my blogs a false perception of me let alone for you guy's to think that I live a perfect life, because perfect doesn't exist. Every single road in life has it's ups and downs, it's inevitable absolutely no one's life in this world is perfect. This is something I guess we learn, fairy tales are also untrue - no a man on a horse is going to just ride past you, swoop down his arm pick you up in one sweep and take you to a castle where you live happily ever after wearing glass heels!!
To be totally honest, I've had one hell of a shit time recently; you know when a week starts badly and then just progressively gets worse? Well that's what's happened, although the week is yet to end, sigh. It started with me coming on my period (don't be grossed out it's normal!) however straight away this period decided it as was going to be a really serious painful one, cramps everywhere. Obviously only girls know the pain of a period, but I hope you feel me!? So anyway because of my period my emotions are all over the place, due to hormones. - I don't know about you ladies but for me I'd happy let periods be replaced with a text message, something like "Hey gal no baby here this month, but I'll be back" you feel me right?
With my period came the mood swings, the hormones, the pain as I've mentioned, the lack of motivation and of course the cravings for super unhealthy foods that I'd normally resist... like a crisp sandwich. Mmmm! I decided I'd listen to my body by eating the foods it wanted to bypass the pain and I shamefully took a week off the gym because exercise was the last thing my body wanted to do. I clearly said shamefully, but actually I feel no shame whatsoever because I knew my period wouldn't last forever and I'd soon be back to healthy Aimes who does like the gym, personally I find all of the above helps me. I don't want to gross you all out, so let's leave the period discussion here and move on, because actually this was a little problem; us girls manage to power through these monthly phases, we learn what our bodies need and we can occasionally carry on.
On Monday 24th April Mum received a call from the hospital, asking her to go in on the Tuesday. Now normally I'm sure you'll know yourselves, you'll receive a letter with a date or you'll be expecting to hear from the hospital but this was completely out of the blue and unexpected. This naturally threw my family, because she wasn't given a reason as to why they wanted to see her she was just told a time to be there. For me and my anxiety I straight away automatically went into 'panic mode'. The problem here with 'panic mode' is that it's horrendous, I don't just panic over the one situation, instead I end up panicking about everything. I'm hopeful at least a few of you also experience 'panic mode' from time to time and it isn't just me?
I also become extremely sensitive, as in someone can say something and my brain will simply turn it into a negative or that someone is being cruel and I'll end up crying. When in reality it really isn't something that would usually bother me, I hope you can see where this is going? I basically become a bit of an embarrassing mess, my head will be all over the place, along with my emotions due to both 'panic mode' and my period which I guess this time round was an added bonus. I knew if i decided to write last week, with this at it's peak that none of what I write would make any sense and it would be all over the place, hence why I instead choose to update 'The material loves of my life'.
Mum went off to the hospital on the Tuesday with my eldest sister, leaving me at home alone wondering what the next piece of news will be. This is my weak point, to put it bluntly, I hate waiting this shit is hard and I struggle with waiting. It turned out to be an appointment to put a plan in action, to perform more radiotherapy to her spine but the top part this time because it's has been causing her pain along with pins and needles in her arms. Which I guess radiotherapy is good, because hopefully this will help her.
The cancer in the bones is obviously not good, anyone knows that. The cancer seems to be spreading down her spine, its now gone from C7 of the spine to spread further. - I hope that makes little sense, it's a little hard to follow from time to time. Now the hard part for me in all of this is, I've found I'm struggling with all of the expectations, I use that word because that's what people from the outside do. For instance "Surely you expect it to get worse now?" that's what I guess everyone else thinks right?
Let me tell you, from me to you the hard honest truth and try and maybe explain the way I feel. YES I expect and know the cancer in Mum is now going to get worse, but hearing the doctors telling us "It's spread here, there blabla" doesn't become any easier. That's where I guess the word acceptance comes in to play, because I guess the reality is to accept the facts. But how on earth am I just supposed to accept the fact I'm eventually going to loose my mum to the cancer she has fought for 10 years? I feel like I have become used to my mum battling and living with cancer and yes it's amazing that she's still here after 10 years, but the thing is.. I still have hope. Hope that she'll go on for another 10 years, hope that she's going to out do the doctors statistics again, just like she already has. This hope has helped carry me through the past 10 years, it's kept me going, kept me stronger than I'll ever even know. and kept me somewhat sane Hope has played in a big part of my life; as a little girl I'd always hope that she'd be here by my 18th birthday, or for the next Mothers Day or any occasions. Am I supposed to let go of this hope?
Without this hope I wouldn't be who I am today, what would I be without this hope? My birthday is a month away, which makes me extremely anxious because the only thing I find myself wanting is for my mum to still be here. Be here to celebrate, to see it through and to celebrate with me, I guess 'panic mode' is again making me fear the future, fear the thought of life without mum, fear the way I'll cope without her. I am absolutely petrified of loosing my mum and knowing I can't do anything to prolong it, help her or ease the pain. The truth is I am out of control, I can't do a damn thing to end this nightmare. I'm basically just waiting aren't I? I guess that's all I can do, if I loose hope, just wait...
I'm living in so much fear right now that I genuinely don't have a clue how to overcome this, to not feel this. This isn't self pity, nor am I sharing this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I'm sharing this because it's real, its honest, its raw and I deep down hope that I'm not the only one who feels this way from time to time. Cancer has blown up recently or over the years, I mean nearly everyone knows at least one person fighting cancer and I sometimes still manage to feel alone in all of this. Feel like the way I feel from time to time isn't right that I'm not doing the right things etc or that no one understands me. I feel this is because it's something we don't share often, talk about, open up about. I mean we're always so happy to share all of the good parts of our lives, but never the bad, we share the photos on social media of us looking flawless or on a good day, but never the bad days when we aren't feeling ourselves, have a few new spots and the normal everyday things. that aren't perfect, it's like everyone loves to shout out about how good they are and we have to hide every thing else. I've decided I don't want to be that person, I don't want people thinking that because they're struggling with something they aren't normal, or you feel alone because someone close to you is fighting cancer or any illness for that matter.
This world is so big, full of so many of us, we have social media basically pouring out of our ears making us constantly feel crap about ourselves because we're only shown the good sides of life, couple's on Instagram aren't going to share there arguments with social media, does that mean they don't argue? NO. The biggest actors in the world may be battling depression and other mental health problems but it goes unseen. We need to start being brave as people, become open and share our thoughts and views. Life can be a mess, but it's your mess to own and pull through. Real life will never be perfect and that's what we need to show. So many young kids have this fake perspective of life, they wish they could grow up quicker to live the perfect life that social media portrays. But when they get here they may become stuck, confused and feel alone. I want you as human beings to feel normal, to stop comparing yourselves or hiding stuff you're going through, I talk about the things I do to show you that if I can do it, so can you! Yes it's scary from time to time, I sometimes worry about what people will say or think of me, but then I remember my WHY and carry on doing me. Pushing towards my beliefs, goals and dreams.
Thank you as always for taking the time to read my blog, share with me your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below or if you are struggling and need someone to talk to, email me via the contact form. My aim is to show you real life, the good and the bad and to be honest and 100% true to who I am.
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts