"The reason I want to talk about this, is because for me I learnt so many valuable lessons from this, my eyes were opened and even now a few days later I am still in shock and I'm truly humbled fro. the response.
Today I would like to have a chat with you - well I guess realistically it's not technically 'a chat' but the point is, I want it to feel like a chat. -Really I'm just sat here, alone in my bedroom listening to my Spotify playlist through my speakers while I write.
First however, I would just like to take the time to talk about one unexpected thing that happened to me last week. If you follow my my blog or keep up to speed on what I share on social media, you may or may not know that I wrote a blog called 'Where it all began' (you can search this on my blog if you haven't already seen this) I published this on the 6th December 2016. In this post I wrote a diary version of my mum's story with cancer, when I published this I wasn't really sure how it would go down, to be totally honest I was absolutely petrified about this. As I know people on my social media would see it, including those who do and do not know about this side of my life.
I decided 'fuck it' and pressed that publish button, shared it to my social media accounts and I carried on with the rest of my day as normal. After about an hour or so, my phone began to seriously pop off. My post on Facebook had recieved over 49 likes, 18 comments and 8 shares. The actual blog post recieved 22 comments, 75 likes and my views went up dramaticially - the most I'd ever recieced.
For hours I was in complete and utter shock as to how everyone had reacted, it opened my eyes a lot. I had people I'd never spoken to before reaching out to me, talking about there own stories or sharing there beautiful supportive comments and I soon realised my 'Where it all began' had changed so much for me. Not only personally helping me, but it had become a big deal on my blog too, it certainly made me realise that blogging is something I not only love, but I realised maybe I am much better at it than I ever realised!
Anyway, a few weeks later I was sending emails back and forth to Cancer Research UK - something I never expected to be doing. The woman I was emailing told me, that my blog was so moving she'd love to share my story on the Cancer Research UK Facebook Page, Which of course I was thrilled about. We wrote a little summery from my blog and found a photo I was happy to share.
Once again this was another thing I had not truly known what would happen, how it would go down and I had absolutely no idea what to expect. The morning my story was shared on Facebook I managed to catch it but unfortunetly I was 28 minutes late to see it. I looked at the post and I was shocked to realise in 28 minutes there was already 500 likes, many comments and shares and in that moment I realised this Facebook post was going to be big!
I decided to turn the notifications on for the post, so I wouldn't miss any further comments and I have to be honest I think that was the best decision I made. I ended up with thousands of comments, likes and shares - the numbers to this date just keep growing. I was totally taken aback by this, because people were taking time out of there own day to write direct comments to me and my mum on the post and some even direct messaging me. I still can not believe my eyes at the numbers that keep flooding on, because it isn't just a numbers that is an amount of people! I feel extremely proud to know that so many people have seen, read and been inspired by the post.
*see the post below*
I had some people messaging me asking for the link to my full blog post, I soon started to personally thank as many people as possibly could for there kind messages, or at least to like the comments on the post. I would be lying if I tried to say many of the comments didn't bring me to tears, because honestly I don't think I've ever cried so many times. I tried to read as many of the comments out to my mum - but that soon became too much for me and I simply couldn't keep up nore keep me eyes dry enough to be able to read them aloud.
The reason I want to talk about this, is because for me I learnt so many valuable lessons from this, my eyes were opened and even now a few days leter I am still in shock and I'm truly humbled fro. the response. I learnt that no matter how alone I ever feel due to my mums cancer - I am not. I learnt that there really are the most kind hearted souls out there in the world - people care more than you'll ever know. I learnt that people in so many ways, shapes or forms can relate to cancer in some way. I learnt just how incredibly lucky I am to still have my mum here beside me. I learnt just how many other people were inspired by my mums story. I learnt that time is precious and I learnt cancer is different for everyone - that no no two stories will ever be the same.
It made me realise that blogging is what I will continue to do forever, ovbiously every post I share will be different and what happened with 'Where it all began' may never happen again. But I now realise blogging is what I love to do, sharing stories., opening up and letting you all in is what I enjoy - of course it's not for everyone, nore is it particually easy, but the feeling I get is addictive and something I want to continue to feel. My niche may even change a few times or grow in some ways but I'm totally okay with growth and expanding. I don't do this for you, I do it for me.
I can not begin to tell you how much I appriciate every single one of you, how much it really means to me when you go out of your way to send me a quick message. Honestly everytime I recieve a message or someone contacts me about my blog, I'm bought to tears - I can't describe the feeling but it touches my heart. The other day I woke up to an email that seriously made me ball my eyes out. This guy's name is Andy - I do not know him or much about him for that matter, other than he is around my age and going through the early stages of his mums cancer.
Andy went out of his way to email me regarding 'Where it all began', he told me his own story, he thanked me for making him feel less alone through his own journey; regarding his mums cancer. When I read his story it became very clear his was surprisingly similar to mine, although his new and raw. Andy, I do not know if you're reading this or if you ever will, but I personally want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for having the courage to not only message me, but for sharing your own story because I do not know you but for those minutes of me reading your email I felt connected to someone else going through similar feelings and emotions - I know you said this to me, but it's true. I honestly hope all the best for you, your family and your mum. I'm sending you all the strength in the world!
Opening up I guess...
For me the start of 2017 has been awful, amazing in terms of my blog and a few of the things I've mentioned above - it probably will not feel as amazing to you, but for me I find my self constantly speachless over the matters.
On the 31st December 2016, my Aunty Carol was suddenly taken away from us. I have mentioned this before in my blog '365 days, 8,760 hours' (you can search this if you wish) which I wrote on the 4th January. At that point I don't even think I had begun to grieve, let alone accept she has gone - I wounder whether I ever will accept this. I've never before lost anyone other than my granddad and although that was ovbiously extremely hard it didn't hurt quite so much because he had been ill for quite some time and had reached the age of 88 - so I'll always know he fullfilled his life, he lived happily with my nana and he taught me so many things, I also know he is watching down on all of us, no longer in pain. That was quite some years ago now and now I'm no longer going through the grief for him.
However my Aunty Carol was 65 not old and should have had many more years to live - or so we thought. Her son is also expecting his forst child that she'll never get to meet. Her passing has broken my mum, it has effected her in so many ways and I guess the simplist explanation for that, is because my mum had always expected to go first - she knew and was begining to accept that. The hardest part for me is knowing my mums heart is broken (although expected, it doesn't make anything easier because she's always been the one with such strength throughout everything) i'm realising how hard once again it is to loose someone you love so deeply and it's come with such shock.
I know the pain I personally feel now will only probally grow in size, when that person taken away is my mum. I know I will then be truly broken and to tell you the truth this has terifies me. I thought I knew and had begun to accept that this is what's going to happen, I thought I was working towards coping with it. But to tell you the truth, I really haven't, I feel I have probally tried to ignore it and push it to the back of my mind, I am in no way shape or form okay with the thought of loosing my mum, I can't even begin to imagine the pain I'll feel or how I'll even manage to get myself out of bed in the mornings.
Here I sit with tears in my eyes and my heart crying loudly, just thibking and talking about it. I can't express the pain and the hollow feeling I get deep inside my heart, but it's a feeling I hate to feel.
On Saturday 21st January 2017, I decided I wanted to go along with my mum, dad and twin sister Karla to go and see my Aunty Carol before her funeral tomorrow. Only I had never done this before, I had no idea what to expect, no idea what it would be like and no idea how I would feel.
We arrived at the funeral home and the woman took us to the room. My mum opened the door, I went in last (together of course but me last in the room) the second I was in and faced with the cofin in front of me... I froze, back against the door, unable to speak nore move. I daren't look, I daren't move, my body just completely froze. I dont ovbiously want to go into too much detail, nore do I want to offend anyone, but for some reason I hated what I saw, I hated how I felt and to be honest I never want to do that ever again. After we left I couldn't get the image out of my head!
Wednesday 25th January 2017
This day is one I am sincerly dreading, a day I am not ready for, a day I wish didn't have to happen, because not only is tomorrow the day I have to say goodbye to my beautiful Aunty Carol but this day is also my precious mumma's birthday - a day we as a family expected to be celebrating, showering mum in beautiful gifts and one I would be so thankful to see. Instead this day is going to be one of the hardest days for not just me and my family, but a day my poor mumma will want to forget forever. Instead of celebrating her birthday, she has to be at her sisters funeral. I know this one day will not only ruin this one birthday, but every birthday afterwards.
Right now while I'm sat here writing all of the above, I have also been hoping the ground will swallow me up. I have never in my life experienced such emotions, such heartache and I don't know if I've ever felt this terrified before. Once again I feel useless because I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to take this pain away from my mum. I've not seen her this sad, this heartbroken or this low in a very long time and I honestly HATE IT!
I know grief comes in so many stages and I know eventually it will get easier. I know everyone or most people have or will experience grief at some point and I know it effects everyone differently. I guess right now this is me, absolutely heartbroken for my Aunty and petrified for when this grief is for my own mum.
The hardest part for me is knowing I have no idea when that day will come, no idea what will happen, let alone know what to expect from here. I know I must be strong, try not to focus on any of this but I just can't seem to get the questions, or the thoughts out of my head, since loosing my Aunty Carol.
Right now my mum is loosing weight dramattically, she currently weighs just 8 stone - 1 more stone than me. My mum hasn't weighed this little since before she gave birth to me and my twin. I have never in my life seen my mum so skinny, everyday I notice more changes, I notice simple things like her leggings being baggy around her legs, or her colar bones sticking out more and I notice how fraile she looks sometimes.
Everyday she's in more pain, she's loosing more and more energy, her walks are becoming slower and shorter. I've never felt so afriad in all of my entire life, I've never felt so alone (even though I am not) I've never felt anger the way I do now and I've never before felt this useless with knowing there is nothing I can do to help her.
Once again I am coming to the end of this blog and I am questioning if to even press that publish button. Whether I dare to share any of this about how I feel or if it'll just stay here written in my notebook and drafts forever unseen!
I know this has been another long blog, it feels like I have been typing forever, my hands are numb and my eyes sore from crying and once again it's the early hours of the morning. (now, not when this post goes live)
I would like to apologise in advance if this blog becomes my only one for a while, I want to apologise if this post is sharing too much, but I hope you'll understand why I've pressed the button. I know soon enough I'll be back here typing to my blog and publishing something else with you, just when I am ready.
If you stuck with me until the end of this post I would like to say thank you, I guess deep down it means a lot to me. I guess I want to share with you my thoughts, my experiences or I just simply get carried away typing here on my little online space. I guess sometimes I find opening up and sharing the best way for myself to cope with things. I know if I never write down how I feel, it'll never be shared or herd and it'll be trapped inside me forever making it all worse.
I'll love you forever and always mum, if I could take any of this pain and heartache from you just know I would in a heartbeat. You have made me so whole heartedly greatful for everything in life, you have taught me such valuable lessons that I'll forever find helpful. You've helped me find my inner strength just from watching yours. I know tomorrow is going to be so terribly hard and I wish it didn't have to come I know every card you recieve for your birthday, you're hiding away because it simply doesn't feel right for you to celebrate. I'm so terribly proud of you mum, for your courage, your fight and your will power throughout life; you'll always be my hero, my inspiration and my rock.
My passion has always been writing, I love to express myself 'thatbridgegirl' features Beauty, Fashion, Fitness and Lifestyle/Personal posts