I'm going to be truthful, if you have come here expecting a nice positive read, you're probs best off clicking straight back off this particular post. As much as I love to give you guys nice fancy positive uplifting content sometimes I simply just don't have that. If you're after a positive post go and find these ones with a completely different tone, there far more uplifting and possibly right up your street just search for: "Positivity is key" "Accidental love" "Reflecting on a few things I have learnt" or "My guide on lifting your mood". There will always also be real, raw, emotional content where I feel the need to let it all out. I mean yes it's lovely to read about all these lovely posts regarding positivity or make up favourites, but I'm not here to impress you, I'm simply here to show you that everyone struggles now and again, that real life events happen and I'm here to let you in and help you understand me, because I have no intention on being like "ANOTHER BLOGGER"
I am me.
So there will also be those real life events within my blog, those raw emotional posts where I let you in get to know me as a person, these posts like: "Suffer in silence" "Where it all began" 365 days, 8,760 hours" "You need to hear this" "Lets talk" and "My biggest insecurity" these are the posts where I open up and share things with you on a more personal level and this is exactly what "Fuck Cancer" is about - Truthful, honest, raw, emotional me, I guess in a way this is a carry on from "Where it all began" a update in a way, but this is a little more open and it's me simply sharing how I feel. (So without further ado, lets crack on, phew now that's off my chest!)
Tuesday 7th February
So here we are again, in the same boat as every 3 months... MUM'S RESULT DAY. You can probably imagine after 10 years of my mum fighting cancer, we've seen many of these days, been in the exact same position; awaiting the news, had the same dreaded thoughts, the same worry, the same anxious feelings deep inside. (blar blar.)
After 10 years Would you expect me to get used to these result day's? Do you expect it to be less of a big deal each time? Should these "Result day's" be just like any other day? Should I worry less about them? Cause I mean let's face it 10 years is a long time, I've become an adult, I have nieces and nephews, I'm learning who I am, what it is I want to do, I'm pursuing some of my dreams, I've gained strength and learnt many many things, so Should these days be easier now?
Well let me tell you, from me to you. Let me be the one to answer these questions. You can try and presume you know the answers or what I'm going to tell you, but I think these answers need to be from me, the one going through this, the one who's living with this. Everyone in this world is different, no two people feel the same (or so they say) however sometimes I disagree with this and think in certain circumstances you can feel exactly the same as Bob next to you. Especially in this case, you may find yourself also in my position - waiting for the latest results of a cancer patient or even still, you could be reading this and never once experienced first handedly how it feels to live within the unknown.
For me these days never get easier, never become more acceptable and I'm never in a good mindset on these days, I'd say I'm probably quite erratic, I try to stay busy, try to keep my mind from wondering or focusing on the 'what ifs'. Sometimes however I simply can not function properly, I can't deal with being busy, I'm not good at making 'small talk' or having a conversation with others because I'm just simply so unfocused, my mind wanders and even the simplest of tasks become impossible. A lot of the time my mind goes into overdrive and I can't stop myself from overthinking absolutely EVERYTHING!
Every time recently, I feel more nervous and more scared of these result days. Don't get me wrong, every time I tell myself "it'll be okay" "nothing will have changed dramatically" "it's still stable", I give myself little pep talks throughout the day when I realise it's getting a little too much for me, sometimes it helps or sometimes it just simply doesn't. For so many years that's the way it's been, (stable) but I can remember so vividly the last time we had news that hit us hard. This was back when we were told her cancer is now terminal, that she only has 11 months to live. Now looking back I feel so angry at how that news effected me and my family, because it never became true - GOOD OF COURSE...
Confusing as hell though, to be told in 11 months time mum will no longer be here and to believe those words as if they're written in concrete. I begin the countdown in my head, each month, each day that passes wondering if its getting closer to loosing her, keeping tabs on everything - I mean everything, from the amount of food she eats, how far she walked, to the amount of times she goes to the loo.. For the 11 months to come and pass oh so quickly with mum still here, not looking like she's going anytime soon. For her to survive, go against the doctors statistics like "hell yeah go Mumma!" but you know what, this happening confused every inch of me. Naturally I believed the doctors news, I thoughts that's exactly what would happen, you know - how can a doctor be wrong?
It made me loose confidence in the doctor, it made me loose hope in him knowing what is to happen, made me question if he's telling us the truth, because he couldn't have been more wrong; she's here now 4 years later! - Like hello, he told us she had 11 months and its been 4 years, sometimes I have to pinch myself when I say that - ITS A MIRACLE!!!
For those 4 years I know I'm lucky and I know for many other cancer sufferers it doesn't work this way - in fact I'm sure its quite rare. Most of the time the doctors are right, some patients do go quicker than the time told. I am grateful for these 4 years for that we have been lucky because I know for many it simply isn't the case. Unless you have experienced living with a parent or a loved one being terminally ill, then I'm afraid you simply might not understand or get it. No matter how hard you try to understand it, even if you think you're putting yourself in my shoes or if you think you get it, in reality you don't and you can't because it's impossible to put yourself in the position if you aren't living it. (I hope that makes sense)
*I'm only speaking from my perspective, my views and my feelings. Of course you may disagree with me and that's fine, but this is my honest opinion*
I titled this "FUCK CANCER" because its strong and its powerful, just like this terrible disease. Cancer is strong, powerful, harmful, vile and it destroys.
FUCK CANCER because it destroys families, it destroys our futures, our memories, our childhoods, our strength. FUCK CANCER because it pushes you to your limits, it tests you, it hurts you. FUCK CANCER because its becoming more common, effects more people now than ever. FUCK CANCER for what its done to me, to my mum and to my family.
The hardest part for me about this news, was the sudden change, the fact the results had more a less stayed the same for quite some time, so for me naturally I was at home ready to hear the same news again, to carry on believing there is hope, that the doctors were wrong back in 2013. I honestly for some reason convinced myself that we would have mum here for many more years, that she was and will always be a miracle patient who outdid her cancer! (she is and always will be but I never want this miracle to end.)
You see, I have been used to the same news again and again, I've gotten used to believing that Mumma will be okay, that she'll fight long and hard. Hard enough to be here still in another 10 years, beside me. I stupidly believed my mum would be here the day I get married, or have my first baby. -Was I stupid to have believed that? Did I believe in false hope? Are you laughing at me, thinking that was never going to happen? Was I living a dream, that simply would never become true?
You see, I or you don't know those answers and how can we? All I know is in 10 years time I'll be 32, hopefully married, settled and happy with mini me's running around. It's been 10 years since my mum was diagnosed with cancer... So can the doctor be wrong for a second time? I have all these questions and many more constantly circulating my head, round and round!
Honestly this list could and does go on forever.. I felt the same way back in 2013 as I do now, its terrifying to be here again. In the exact same position again, only this time I'm not sure I believe the doctor. HOW DO I? How do I put myself in the same shoe's again, to believe what the doctor has said for the second time, when the doctor was so wrong the first? Do I again just sit here and wait again? Do I again count down the days and months? Do I again sit here keeping tabs on every single change? You see, her weight is different now, she's loosing it fast and I've been told many times that when a cancer patient starts to loose weight without trying... the end is usually near.
When my mum and dad sat down to tell me and Karla the news. This time I didn't dare to look them in the eye, this time my Dad spoke.... It's always been my Mum who tells us the news, she normally sounds positive and hopeful. I knew the second my dad begun to speak it was bad news. The whole time he was telling us, I could only stare at the ground, tears in my eyes but none escaping and I almost blocked out his broken voice. I went numb, I felt blank and empty. I couldn't cry, I couldn't speak I felt like my heart had been ripped straight out. Later on my eldest sister came round to offer support, I can't remember anything they talked about because to tell you the truth I was no longer listening, I was in my own world in my head. Karla cried and had to leave the room, understandably it had hit her just as hard. In fact everyone cried, everyone broke down in some way. Even my dad, I've never seen him cry before, I've never seen him look so vulnerable and heartbroken.
I hadn't cried at all, hadn't spoken to another soul about the way I felt in days. Until I just simply broke down, in the car with cal I think I had to have time to process the news because it took me days before I even shed a single tear. It's now Thursday 16th February and on this day still, while writing all of this inside I feel blank, confused and I've tried to stay away from people. I've sat in my room for most of the week, in bed on my own, feeling guilty for not crying again since the once, feeling guilty for not knowing what to make of the news, I have no idea what to say or think to anyone, even my own Mumma, I feel so weak, so smothered by negativity and I am absolutely terrified.
Why am I avoiding people like this? Why does the tinniest task feel like so much effort? Why do I feel so empty? Why do I have this constant sinking feeling, deep inside? Why am I unsure if to believe the doctor after the first time? Is this it? The real thing? Is it going to come quickly or slowly? How am I going to cope? What will life be like, without her?
I know these questions are probably going to stay unanswered, in my head for some time. I know how it really truly feels to have every last bit of hope you had ripped away. I know now I must be strong, I must help mum on a regular basis. I know me and my Dad need to both start looking into registering as careers, I can only hope they'll allow both me and my Dad to be her career's. I feel I owe this to her.. I cant not work and be here constantly in the house, leaving just my Dad to do it.
I know if I was working I would probably not feel so guilty, I wouldn't want to risk taking time off and that's why I'm hoping to stand beside my Dad as a career. Not just for my Mum, but for Dad too. I know each and every day my head pains vary, I know right now they're so much worse and it's probably stress making them worse, so for now going back to work wouldn't be an option, I don't need the added stress. I simply need to focus on using this time productively and to me that's to help Dad care for mum, to care for me too, I need to listen to my body and when my heads worse, I need to stop getting so hung up and simply take the time out. I know things from here on out are only likely to get tougher, harder and even more stressful and I know I somehow need to find the strength again. But for now, it's lost.
I'd love to be working again, I'd love to know I'm making my Mumma proud. I'd love to know that she doesn't feel the need to worry about me, about my head, my finances and the daily pain I go through. I know I can't even think about going back to work because of my head and my doctor would probably refuse anyway. It's constant pain now, it's no longer just 3-4 days a week. It's worse and I hate it, but I'm learning to take the less painful days as good ones and I try my hardest to solider on through, because any pain I face now I know it's nothing compared to Mumma's pain and the pain she's going to face. It seems like this is a constant battle, that every day is another one to fight, because cancer doesn't just effect the patient and that's what I've realised first handedly.
Thank you, for taking the time to read this post. Thank you for hopefully understanding and respecting the way I feel, this blog is my little space to let things out, to write about things like this that I find impossible to have a conversation about. For me it helps, for me it's like throwing away the rubbish inside me, I promise not every post is going to be in this tone, hopefully if you've checked out my other posts you'll know that already. I hope this post wasn't too long? I hope if you're going through something similar this post helped you in some way? Again this is one to show you that real life happens, we go through some tough shit at times, but it's okay to struggle, it's okay to let someone in, you don't need to hide away and pretend it's not happening - I used to do that, it honestly only makes things worse.
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